Dear Amy: My daughter, “Kristen,” has been friends with “Jan” since third grade. They are now sophomores in high school.
They were best friends until recently. I noticed my daughter sulking one night while holding her cellphone. She was waiting for Jan to call, but she never did.
My daughter and I talked about recent events with her and Jan. Jan has acquired some friends who don’t think that Kristen is so cool. Jan still sees Kristen, but only when she can spare the time from her busy social schedule.
According to my daughter, Jan takes lengthy cell calls during these outings from her friends to make plans in which Kristen is excluded.
On other occasions, one of these girls has gone as far as to call my daughter’s cellphone and say degrading things to her and to tell her to “stop calling Jan. She’s not interested in you anymore.” Jan claims to know nothing about any of this.
Jan’s family thinks that Kristen is a great girl, and they are very kind to her. I don’t know if they are aware of these social politics.
I reminded Kristen that she is an attractive girl who has many other friends, does well in school, participates in her church youth group, and that she has many opportunities to make new friends.
I have advised Kristen to discuss this matter directly with Jan, but I warned her that she might not be satisfied with the outcome.
It is painful to watch my lovely girl struggle like this.
Would it be appropriate for me to discuss this matter with Jan’s parents? I can’t imagine that her parents would want her to behave in this way.
– Worried Mom
Dear Worried: This is a classic case of high school mean girl/queen bee behavior. This bullying is loathsome, and I can understand how painful it is for you to witness it.
However, now is not the time to urge your girl to reach out further on a social limb. Trust me, if she does, the other girls will find a way to saw off the limb behind her. Nor should you contact Jan’s parents. There isn’t a thing that they can do about this that will benefit this faded friendship, I assure you. Most likely, their parental intervention would make things worse.
Your daughter needs to get angry. Once she does, she’ll be able to see this malicious behavior for what it is. These girls are bullies, and the best way to deal with them is to distance herself from them, pity them and hang out with people who are worthy of her.
For additional insight into this disturbing phenomenon, read “Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence” by Rosalind Wiseman (Three Rivers Press, $14.95 paper). “Mean Girls,” the movie inspired by the book, would show your daughter an extreme version of this nonsense – and give her an opportunity to identify with Lindsay Lohan’s character.
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Dear Amy: I have to add a couple of thoughts to the debate on post-game snacks for kids.
My wife and I have two children, an 18-year-old daughter who is a college freshman and a 16-year-old son who is a high school sophomore.
Both have been active in a variety of sports since elementary school.
This snack business never ends. We were astonished to hear that the parents of the college field hockey team prepared post-game snack bags! (Well, I was astonished, anyway; my wife was less surprised.) On the other hand, in our area, there is always some discussion regarding this practice before the season starts. Some parents restrict the types of snacks served. Others opt to do fresh fruit only – and only during halftime, not after games.
I suggest that parents make themselves heard on this issue. It’s time to get a conversation started.
– Craig
Dear Craig: Boy, has the conversation started! I am quite surprised to see that of all the issues covered in my column, the issue of snacks served to kids has generated the most heated and highest volume of mail. I hope that parents continue this conversation – off of the pages of the newspaper and into their communities, as you so rightly suggest.
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