Dear Eric: My parents divorced and my father remarried more than 20 years ago. My wife, our children and I would visit every year or two. The visits were cordial but fairly superficial so I did not have a strong relationship with my father or his wife.
My father passed away recently, and I have been dealing with his wife for the funeral arrangements and as the executor of his estate.
I do not like spending time with his wife because she is very controlling and judgmental. When all of these tasks are completed, I do not want to stay in touch with her. If she does contact me in the future, how do I tell her I do not want to get together? Or do I say something now? I don’t want to be harsh, but I do not want her in my life.
— Done Being Stepson
Dear Done: I’m sorry for the loss of your father. Even though you weren’t close, this period surely brings up a host of difficult emotions. Itap for that reason that I wouldn’t advise having a conversation about severing ties with your father’s wife now. This doesn’t seem like a subject that needs to be broached at present and would likely cause unnecessary pain and conflict.
Instead, if she reaches out in the future, you can set a clear boundary by declining her invitation. You should think about what kind of contact, if any, you’d be comfortable with. Are you OK with holiday cards? Can she call you in an emergency? Are you involved in some way in her end-of-life plan? Perhaps the answer to all of those questions is no. Thatap fine. None of these are questions that have to be answered now. But thinking about them will help you get internal clarity about your feelings. And that clarity will help set a better boundary.
Dear Eric: Neither my husband nor I have handyman skills. My husband has no interest in taking on Mr. Fix-it home repairs. We have sufficient income. However, whenever something relatively minor goes wrong (door lock needs replacing, toilet flushing mechanism sometimes doesn’t work, ceiling fan needs replacing), my husband comes up with creative solutions that “fix” the problem (“…if you jiggle the toilet handle in this particular way, there is no problem”).
Depending on the seriousness of the problem, we lurch along this way for a few hours/days/weeks. Then I say “This isn’t working. I’m calling a professional.“
At this point he blows up and causes a scene. He gaslights me by telling me all is OK. I eventually call a professional while he is still protesting in the background. If the person can come soon to do the repair, he wants to put it off a few days (or weeks).
When the repair person comes, my husband is on good behavior and is relieved once the repair has been done. What causes this high level of anxiety and is there any way to avoid the unnecessary drama? It adds an extra layer of stress to a situation that I have to deal with on my own.
We are retired. It has been going on for years. He was in therapy for many years and is unlikely to go back at his age. His anxieties about other issues have lessened but this is as strong as ever. Once when he was hospitalized for two weeks, I just went ahead and got a few repairs done without mentioning it to him. He was glad to see the result. It was much less stressful on him and on me. Thanks for your help.
— Mrs. Fix-It
Dear Mrs. Fix-It: You have my sympathies — not only do you have to fix household items when they break, but you’re also being asked to fix your husband’s moods about the fixing. Itap not fair to you and this burden is hurting your marriage. Your husband is making you responsible for something that he should be managing on his own. Perhaps he feels his pride being dinged when someone else makes a repair that he can’t; perhaps there’s something else happening. Either way, itap his job to look inside and deal with it.
What he’s doing instead is creating emotional damage in your relationship where there needn’t be any.
Before the next blowup, have a frank conversation with him about this cycle that you’re in. Tell him that itap harmful to you and itap unnecessary. You might even show him this letter. Tell him that these are minor repairs and yet his response is making them major issues. Ask him if he understands what you’re saying and ask him how he plans to address it on his own, because unlike the latch or the ceiling fan, this is something he can (and must) fix.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
