It’s time for a year in review column. Yeah, I know … another one?
Listen, it’s still snowing as I write this, so give me a break. Here are my top 10 favorite stories of the year, compiled with the help of people who actually made it to the office:
10. The war on Christmas is again repelled by the forces of Good. Everybody received a present, right?
9. John Mark Karr: The situation boiled down to this: Boulder DA Mary Lacy claimed police had to pick up this weirdo – without … well, without any evidence – because he had confessed to murdering JonBenét Ramsey and was a threat to children in Thailand.
Taxpayers footed an extravagant bill – including first-class airline tickets – to ensure that Karr was brought back to the United State, where he could threaten children in his homeland like a normal American.
8. Backup punter stabs teammate: University of Northern Colorado backup punter Mitch Cozad is charged with attempted murder after he allegedly stabbed a teammate to take over the starting job. (UNC, by the way, finished the season 1-10. Would it have killed someone to give this guy a shot?)
Cozad is almost assured a starting spot for the Cañon City Correctional Complex intramural team – he may, in fact, emerge as the top punter in the entire Colorado Penal League. Congratulations.
7. Waiting on lines: Disaster strikes as thousands of Denverites are forced to wait in long lines to fulfill their dream of sweeping Republicans from power.
Less than a month later, citizens refuse to be disenfranchised again, lining up in front of the local Best Buy at 3 a.m. on Black Friday to buy video games.
6. My car is stuck in snow for two hours. This was an unmitigated catastrophe. Gov. Bill Owens calls in the National Guard. They never get to me. Nor does a plow of any type. The rest of the city has a collective conniption.
So much chaos ensues that people momentarily forget whose city they reside in and blame Mayor Hickenlooper. (They will be dealt with.) Meanwhile, no one lays culpability at the feet of the true perpetrator: Mother Nature.
5. Illegal immigration. The debate was contentious throughout the year. The governor even calls a make-believe emergency session, where he shows Republicans the overhand method of stabbing someone in the back.
Illegal immigrants, on the other hand, are said to be terrified by the Nazi-like tactics of ICE agents. Yet tens of thousands feel comfortable enough to march in Denver’s streets to protest. Weird.
4. The Allen Iverson trade. A Christmas miracle! For approximately five minutes, no one in Denver was talking about Jay Cutler’s youthful looks or the Broncos’ third-string nose tackle.
3. Congressman Tom Tancredo. What can you say about the man? A gift to journalists and news junkies throughout Colorado – the world, even. You doubt me? Reporters are always starving for news during the holiday season. So you know what Tom does? He takes time to offend the entire city of Miami.
A gift that keeps giving.
2. Pastor Ted Haggard. Talk about alchemy. When the words “meth,” “prostitute” and “pastor” are joined – in any combination – what we’re left with is pure gold.
Each year, St. Woodward, the patron saint of journalism, grants one wish. This year it came as a hypocritical Bible-thumping preacher with interesting recreational habits.
Word is, Haggard will attempt to cure his gayness by heading to an Arizona rehab center – where the regimen includes hours of Toby Keith songs, “WWF Monday Night RAW” reruns and driving monster trucks in the mud.
Christianity, it is predicted by many experts, will survive.
1. Colorado turns true-blue. No, not purple. Or mauve. But midnight blue. Bill Ritter wins an election parting the political seas like Moses. Both houses stay in Democratic hands.
Expect all kinds of sexy, feel-good initiatives to pass without opposition.
Rainbows and cherry blossoms for everyone. Happy New Year.
David Harsanyi’s column appears Monday and Thursday. He can be reached at 303-954-1255 or dharsanyi@denverpost.com.
