Dear Amy: My mother passed away on Mother’s Day last year.
Since that time, my cousin has called me repeatedly, saying how much she misses my mother and wishes she could call her.
My cousin called me on Christmas Day and said that the holiday isn’t the same without my mother.
Most recently, she called me to say that she was stressed about upcoming tests and how she wished she could call my mother for reassurance. My husband and I found that call rather humorous because my mom wasn’t exactly “Mrs. Supportive.” She was always the person who would point out exactly why what you wanted to do wouldn’t work out. When things blew up in your face, she would be the first to say that you were a so-and-so (loved to use a certain vulgar expression).
I don’t know how to properly respond to my cousin. Her phone calls are upsetting. I am no surrogate for my mother, and I don’t want to hear about how much she misses her.
Doesn’t she think that I miss my mother too? I am trying hard not to respond in anger to her, but I am getting exasperated. Each phone call only serves to reopen the hurt over my mother’s death.
My cousin has many people whom she can call for support and reassurance. Both of her parents live in the same town as her. She has several siblings, a husband and in-laws.
– Exasperated
Dear Exasperated: Your cousin’s attention, while annoying to you, might be well intentioned. As a way to try to identify with you, she may be reaching out in what she imagines is an appropriate expression of her feelings.
The next time your cousin calls, you could say to her, “I know that you miss Mom. I miss her too, but I need to handle this in a different way than you do. I hope that you’re getting the support that you used to get from Mom, because you deserve it, but all of this is still hard for me to talk about.”
…
Dear Amy: Responding to the letter from “Birthday Bill Blues,” who got stuck paying for alcohol that other people had consumed, when we hosted our son’s wedding rehearsal dinner, the restaurant owner did not allow an open bar. He said that an open bar is usually abused by a few in the group, and the host’s evening can be ruined by having to pay a huge bill.
For our event, our guests paid for their own mixed drinks at the bar, and we included wine with the meal.
– North Carolina Reader
Dear Reader: This is commonly done for exactly the reason you cite and seems to result in lower bar tabs, less drunkenness and fewer problems for all.
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