Dear Amy: About 18 months ago, my mother handed me an envelope marked: “Open Upon My Death.” While it seemed consistent with her penchant for high drama, I didn’t think much of it and put it away in a drawer with other legal papers.
I recently came across the envelope, and it has been gnawing at me. The envelope feels substantial. I have not had the best relationship with my mother, but I maintain that I have been a good son. She has been hard on me, at times cruel. I have tried to talk with my parents, but they prefer to let sleeping dogs lie.
The funeral arrangements for both my parents have been worked out. They had me sit with them at a funeral home a few years back. They even have written their obituaries.
I now have the very real feeling that the letter might be her final dropkick to me after she’s gone. It would be especially hurtful, because I would have to deal with it for the rest of my life.
I am inclined to open the letter in front of her, but I run the risk of isolation. What should I do?
– Torn (Over) Letter
Dear Torn: You have the right to your own peace of mind. Your parents could have chosen to leave the letter in their home, with their lawyer, or in a safe-deposit box; their choice to leave this with you as a ticking time bomb is like something out of a Dickens novel.
Find a therapist. My instinct is that you should either go ahead and read the letter, or bring it to your parents and ask them directly about its contents. But you should do so only if you are convinced that you can handle the consequences without much help from them.
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Dear Amy: I am a 23-year-old married woman with two children, and I feel as if my husband is my third child. I have been pondering a divorce. Even though this is not the way I would like things to go, I believe it is the best thing to do.
My husband has had a problem using and abusing drugs since early in our relationship. He cheated on me while I was pregnant with our second child. Every time I go into labor, he has not been by my side – even when I miscarried our first child.
He continually lies to me. I have begun to resent him, and I believe that I am falling out of love. I know he loves our two children and me, but sometimes love isn’t enough. Do you think I should stick out this marriage and wait for it to get better, or just count my losses and make a better life for my children and me?
– Unhappy in Alaska
Dear Unhappy: I’m racking my brain to think of an instance in which a marriage to a longtime drug abuser got better simply through waiting. Patience, while a virtue, is no substitute for having a backbone, giving your husband some non-negotiables in terms of his drug use, and setting some definite standards for you and the kids.
You’re young. Your children are just getting started in life. Take a good, hard look at your life and do what’s right for your children.
What’s right for them will always be the right thing for you. You haven’t presented one single reason to stay in this marriage – and many compelling reasons to leave.
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