Dear Abby: My elderly mother-in-law, “Marsha,” is in failing health. Lately she has been talking about how she “won’t be here next year,” implying that she thinks she will be dead. But Marsha will not have a will made up or sign an advance directive! She thinks that if she does, it will be signing her own death warrant.
Marsha is facing major surgery in the spring. She owns her own house, and she has many medical bills and debts. She has said that after she’s gone, it will be “up to other people” to “handle those things.” Her children cannot be trusted to agree on wise decisions about her estate, and I have seen other such unplanned estates eaten up by court-appointed administrators who take more than a year to settle matters.
Because we often discuss your column, I am hoping you might convince my mother-in-law that wills are not only good planning, but will ensure the legacy for her grandchildren that she talks about.
– Dutiful Daughter-in-law
Dear Dutiful: No one likes to face his or her own mortality, and yet the reality is that we’re all gonna go sometime. (May Marsha live to 110!)
If she maintains her current stance, she risks leaving a legacy of dissension among her children – and there’s no guarantee that her grandchildren will see a penny from her estate.
It is very important that Marsha discuss this subject with her lawyer or CPA, who can explain to her what the laws are in the state where she resides and convince her of the wisdom of planning for the inevitable. It’s not signing a death warrant, but rather a guarantee that what she has worked so hard to accrue in her lifetime will go where she wants it to.
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Dear Abby: I have been having an argument with myself for some time now. My problem is, I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to stop calling my aunts and uncles by their titles and switch to just calling them by their names. I am 23.
Can you tell me what, if any, is an appropriate age to begin using aunts’ and uncles’ names rather than their titles?
– Unsure
Dear Unsure: Calling someone “aunt” or “uncle” has nothing to do with age. In addition to a family title, it can also be regarded as a sign of affection or respect.
Before you stop using it, ask the person what he or she would prefer to be called. That way you won’t cause any misunderstandings or hard feelings.
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Dear Abby: My son has a serious girlfriend I’ll call “Danielle.” They are 24, and it looks like they might get married. We have the reverse of the typical mother-in-law/
daughter-in-law problem. I am very easygoing and don’t interfere or criticize. Danielle, on the other hand, has strong opinions and voices them loudly. There is no discussion. Danielle is always right.
My husband and I are going through a rough time financially, and Danielle suggested that we come and live with them. She said I could cook and clean, and my husband could do the repairs around the house. I was shocked and hurt. I would never have said that to my mother-in-law.
I know it’s important to stay on good terms, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. Any suggestions?
– Nettie
Dear Nettie: Just this. Only as a last resort should you and your husband live with your son and his tactless girlfriend. If you do, it appears you will be treated as domestic help, and frankly, you deserve better.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
