Dear Amy: My husband is a funny, smart, caring dad and my best friend. He found a great job far from home last year while I was finishing school.
Then he got into an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker. It wasn’t a sexual affair, but I still don’t completely trust him because he was so evasive during that time. We love each other and go to counseling.
This last year has been up and down for me. After working only part time and raising our four children, I had some health issues that made it hard for me to complete work projects, so my résumé doesn’t amount to much.
Recently, a family friend of 10 years, who is also part owner of the company I work for, asked my husband for a “favor.” She asked him to provide sperm to her so she can have a child. She says that she wants a child, not a man in her life. He told her that he would talk to me about this.
Our friend has a history of self-destructive behavior, but she is very intelligent and has a lot of respect for my husband.
I cannot relate to her reasoning about this, and it matters little that this “donation” would happen at a clinic. It is not the process of making a baby that bothers me, but the fact that this man is my husband and not just DNA.
He is going to tell her no.
I want to cut ties with this woman, but my husband does not. He thinks I am taking it too much to heart, and he has asked me to be nice.
– At a Loss
Dear Loss: I agree that sperm donation is a minefield for families, and I can understand why a man would choose not to provide DNA under these circumstances.
The woman in question asked for a favor that you feel is quite out of bounds, but as long as she takes “no” for an answer, then I’m not sure why you should cut ties with her. If you’re worried, however, that your husband is inappropriately involved with her, that is another issue. Because he has been involved with a relationship recently that interfered with your marriage, he needs to be very aboveboard with you.
Counseling is the ideal place to work this out, and I certainly hope that you will.
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