Dear Amy: I’m a 67-year-old physician living alone. I have a large, empty house in the suburbs, and I still commute into the city to work every day. I also have a retired friend of 50 years, “Peripatetic Pete,” who loves to gallivant around the world. He takes multiple trips to Asia each year, several hikes across the Grand Canyon annually, and drops in on friends everywhere he goes.
Thirty years ago I loved having visitors. Those days are gone. I only have 90 percent enough energy to keep my life on track. I’ve tried to discourage these visits by lying, even resorting to telling him that I’m having my kitchen redone.
He called again recently saying, “I have to receive an award on a Thursday night. I should arrive there at about 5 p.m. and will be out at the airport at 6 a.m. Could I just stay at your place a few hours that night to cover the time?” I said, “Well, um, I guess so. He called a few weeks later and said, “Since I’m there, could I extend it through the weekend? I’ll be sightseeing, so you won’t see much of me.” Uh-ah-um, well – OK.
He bought his tickets and e-mailed his schedule to me.
I stewed about this and then e-mailed him: “Visit canceled, I can’t bear to have anyone, not just you in particular – anyone – in my house that long.” I haven’t heard from him, and guess I never will. It’s too bad, because I cherish the friendship. Any suggestions?
– Grouchy
Dear Grouchy: There is no question that your friend has taken advantage of you in the past, but rather than passively stew over it and then end this cherished friendship, perhaps you can draw a boundary around your B&B and preserve the relationship.
You can e-mail “PP” and say, “Pete, I’m so sorry I snapped a few weeks ago, but I simply can’t tolerate having visitors at my house any longer. I know it might not make sense to you, but that’s just the way it is. I should have been clear about this from the start. I hope there’s a way for us to pick up our friendship?” If you’re up to it, perhaps you can plan a trip to “PP’s” neck of the woods. He owes you a bed and clean towels.
I hope that you can figure out some stress-free ways to enjoy your life more; you’ll have more energy if you do. Perhaps you can shake things up by selling the house and getting a smaller place closer to the action?
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
