Q: My wife of 30 years and I are in our 60s. A few years ago she asked that we no longer engage in sex. “It’s not such a big deal anymore,” she said. She would not see a doctor or consider other help. I began an affair with a widow. Recently my wife found out and went ballistic. If she can casually renounce sex, can’t I seek it elsewhere?
– Name Withheld, Massachusetts
A: Monogamy is important to most married people; it certainly is to your wife. But your greater transgression is not adultery; it is dishonesty. You and she might agree that because she no longer wants sex, you may seek it elsewhere – discreetly, tactfully, striving not to cause her embarrassment. Or she might find this modus vivendi intolerable and, if forced to choose, decide to live apart from you. But you gave her no chance to decide anything.
She may not compel you to join her in forsaking sex, but she may demand your honesty, regard and consideration. Your desire is worthy of respect; your deceit is not.
What your wife wants is not merely fidelity, of course, but the repudiation of what for many people is a profound and exultant part of life. So be it. People change, even about something so fundamental, even when they pledged, at least implicitly, through their conduct, to live in a particular way. But she may not unilaterally impose on you the abnegation of erotic happiness. I doubt that she regards her waning sexual desire as a casual matter. This warrants further discussion with each other and with experts on sexuality and aging, who might have ideas neither of you considered.
UPDATE: The couple has settled into an uneasy routine of don’t ask/don’t tell.
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Q: When a friend and I went to the movies, I requested two senior tickets although I knew we were both too young to qualify at that theater. My husband says I misrepresented myself as a senior and acted unethically. I believe it’s up to the cashier to ask for proof of age, which I’m happy to provide. Who is right?
– Gaby Roughneen, Bedford, Nova Scotia
A: Your husband is right. Requesting a senior ticket, you implied that you qualified for one, something you knew was not so. Virtue demands more than eluding detection.
The qualifying age for a senior discount does vary from theater to theater. Had you not known the rule at this one, you’d have done no wrong by requesting the cheaper ticket, leaving it to the theater to clarify its policy.
Alas, you burdened yourself with knowledge. As Thomas Gray observed in 1742, “Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to be wise.”
Send questions and comments for Randy Cohen to Universal Press Syndicate, 4520 Main St., Kansas City, MO 64111, or ethicist@nytimes.com.
