Dear Amy: My sister and brother-in-law fight constantly. They have silly fights as my sister and I used to have as children, only louder and with an audience.
My mother and I try to intervene with jokes, or we plead with them not to fight.
We have suggested counseling; we have brought to their attention studies on how this behavior affects a couple’s health. Ultimately, I think it boils down to their bickering being some sort of release.
The only alternative I have found is to see them as little as possible, but my heart just aches for their daughter, whom I still want to see.
I’ve explained to my sister that I don’t visit more because I am not used to so much arguing, and this tends to make her cry, but nothing changes.
Do you have any suggestions?
– Worried
Dear Worried: The fact that your sister cries when you talk about this suggests that she cares enough to be upset. Perhaps you can use this as leverage to try to get her some help.
Your niece is the vulnerable witness to her combative parents.
Sometimes parents convince themselves that their children aren’t affected by their behavior. But kids see and hear everything; they tend to bury their distress.
There are a number of books and programs that your sister and her husband might find helpful. One is “Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work,” by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning and Kim Paleg (2006, New Harbinger). However, there’s no substitute for old-fashioned human mentoring. Bickering is a nasty practice – and couples can learn to release their anger in other, more appropriate ways. Urge your sister to see a counselor – even if her husband won’t.
Please don’t give up on your niece. She needs to spend time with an adult who knows how to use her “indoor voice” to express herself.
That’s you. If you can’t stand to spend too much time in their home, create a “home away from home” at your house for your niece.
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Dear Amy: My father died recently, several months short of what would have been my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary. It doesn’t seem right to let the occasion pass unnoticed, but I’m at a loss as to what would be an appropriate acknowledgment of the occasion.
Can you help?
– Sad and Confused
Dear Sad: I agree that this anniversary is significant and presents an opportunity to celebrate your father’s life and the long marriage that your parents enjoyed.
Your mother might enjoy a special lunch or dinner out with you and the rest of her family (and perhaps some close friends). Maybe you could find a little-seen wedding photo and have it nicely framed, along with a note from you reflecting on your parents’ relationship.
Run some ideas past your mother, and give her an opportunity to work with you to mark this day in a way that she would enjoy. (Please, no surprises.) If she’d rather not do anything special, then make sure that you spend some time with her on that day. Enjoying your company might be all that she wants.
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