I have made the not-so-profound observation that there are three functions of the human body that diminish as we age.
The first is memory. The other two – well, I can’t remember the other two, but I’m sure they aren’t much fun either.
The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), a non-profit organization based in Washington, D.C., that is committed to enhancing the quality of life for those age 50 and over, has clearly remembered this fact, or at least has it written down somewhere.
That could partially explain why AARP seems so eager to enroll me as a member, which in turn causes me to cast a suspicious eye toward them – my good eye, no less. I received three plastic, temporary membership cards in three months, not to mention the first card before I even turned 50.
AARP is as insidious as it is persistent. While the first two cards were the attention-grabbing color of bright red, they really upped the ante by sending a third card that was powder blue, my favorite color. Somehow they knew. I fully expect next month’s card to be vanilla scented.
I’m a little skeptical of the organization’s non-profit claim. There are 76 million boomers alone, the youngest turning 50 in 2014. Add in a few million more potential members already in their 60s and beyond, and I’m sniffing a cow that never smelled so good, a cash cow even at a membership rate of just $12.50 per year.
Oh sure, AARP touts a laundry list of membership trinkets: discounts on travel, insurance offerings, credit cards, and enough print and online material that one would have to be retired just to have the time to read. And there is the harder to document area, dare I say the more gray area, of fighting for the rights of older Americans – the fighting open to interpretation, the cost of the fighting probably not so open.
Maybe I’m just in denial about the whole age thing, the decade birthdays, the oh-birthdays, the platitudes about being as young as you feel and 50 being the new 40 not all that convincing.
I just need a little more time to adjust to the idea of being 50. No sense being foolhardy and running off and joining AARP like it is a traveling circus just passing though town. There will be another circus, another membership card in the mail next month.
As silly as it may sound, AARP could do one very simple thing that might entice me to join its little band of rabble-rousers, and that would be the obvious need for a name change.
AARP? Honestly, could that acronym be any older, any more outdated, any less appealing?
It’s bad enough that the letters R and P stand for “retired persons” (retirement is not even a requirement for membership), but the acronym itself can’t even be used as a decent word. Aarp? It sounds like something I did the time I got food poisoning. Can we glitz it up just a little?
AARP could have a name-changing contest among the millions of current members, many who are retired and looking for something to do anyway. Here’s an easy example. How about HIPP? It could stand for Helping Individuals Past their Prime. OK, that one needs a little tweaking, but the list of potential new and better names is virtually endless.
That settles it for me. As soon as AARP finds a sexier new name, I’ll probably sign up immediately. Or did I sign up last month?
Marty Likens (martylikens@peoplepc.com) works for Shamrock Foods of Commerce City.
