Dear Amy: My new mother-in-law already is pressing my husband and me to give her some grandchildren, and my husband and I are trying to figure out how to discourage her constant comments.
The real problem is that when we do have children, I have no intention of allowing her ever to babysit for the grandchild alone.
She was an abusive mother to my husband and as far as I can tell her behavior has not changed. Should I rock the boat by disillusioning her now, or wait until the baby actually exists before disappointing her?
– Childless for Now
Dear Childless: I agree with your instinct about your mother-in-law’s inability to be a respectful and responsible caregiver for a baby.
Responsible parents don’t take chances with their children, so it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to take that chance. You don’t need to issue a pre-emptive strike in this regard; wait until you’re an actual parent.
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Dear Amy: I have a 30-year-old fiancée. We have a baby together and own a house together. She is educated, smart, has a good job and is an overall good person.
She was the baby of the family and had little if any responsibility growing up. I am the eldest and was taught to cook, clean, be considerate and take care of myself.
She is a great mother and a good worker, yet around the house she is either completely absent-minded or totally inconsiderate. She will eat food and leave the package open so that the food goes stale; she leaves crumbs, food, grease, etc., on countertops and never thinks to wipe them down.
She was never taught to take care of herself and her environment, so I do most of the cleaning, cooking, planning, and all the lawn care. Is it too late to learn these things?
– Sloppy in Seattle
Dear Sloppy: You may be aware of some of the reality television shows devoted to organizing and cleaning house. I enjoy these shows partly because they demonstrate that it is never too late to learn housekeeping skills. Learning respect is a taller order.
You and your fiancée may have more success if you sit down and do a “chore sheet” on which you write down some of these housekeeping issues and agree on what constitutes a basic level of cleanliness. Replacing toilet paper rolls as soon as you run out or wiping counters would seem very basic.
Put these on the list, sign it and shake hands on the deal.
You should show your fiancée how much you appreciate it when she does well. You can hope that she’ll start to see what you see – that this is really a matter of respect for the entire household.
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