When Gloria Campbell Gallagher and her husband, Dan, moved from Florida to Texas, they enlisted the help of their daughter’s ex-husband, Travis Denson.
When Denson needed money for school, he asked the Gallaghers.
They gave him the money and don’t expect him to pay it back.
“I consider him my son and so does my husband,” said Gallagher, 60. “If I didn’t have so many other children, I’d probably leave him something in my will.” With divorce common and people living longer, parents now are carving out new – sometimes close – relationships with their children’s exes. Friendly “ex-laws” say they stay that way because of strong bonds, continued common interests and a desire to keep children connected with family.
Such friendships can be healthy, according to relationship experts, as long as parents tread lightly and try not to alienate or upset their own child.
Embracing ex-laws has made for recent tabloid fodder. Gossip columns have reported that Britney Spears is fuming over ex-husband Kevin Federline’s friendship with her mother. Over the summer, paparazzi snapped photos of a visit between Brad Pitt’s mother, Jane, and his ex-wife, Jennifer Aniston. A family spokesperson said Pitt’s parents remain friends with Aniston.
“People expect that you’re divorcing the whole family and that’s not necessary,” said Lillian Carson, a psychotherapist and author of “The Essential Grandparent’s Guide to Divorce” (Health Communications Inc., 1999).
With about 3.7 divorces for every 1,000 people in the United States in 2004, many people are searching for ways to relate to former in-laws.
“You have to be open to accepting a new configuration of family,” Carson said from her office in Santa Barbara, Calif.
“There is going to be a strain. It will be changed. But it’s possible to weather that and still have nice family events.” Gallagher, who also maintains a good relationship with her ex-husband, said she and Denson, her former son-in-law, have similar tastes in music and movies.
“It takes too much energy to be mad at someone – especially if they didn’t do anything to you,” said Gallagher, who lives in New Braunfels, Texas.
At first, Gallagher’s daughter, Allison Sutton, was annoyed when Denson helped her mother hang Christmas lights, fix her computer and paint her walls.
“We’re not married anymore,” she said she felt like saying.
“You don’t have to do this anymore.” As the friendship continued, however, Sutton said she “got over it.” She and Denton, who were married less than three years, have been divorced for 12.
“People think it’s strange, but it works for us,” said Sutton, of Middleburg, Fla.
Parents should take their cues at first from their child, suggested Marsha Temlock, author of “Your Child’s Divorce” (Impact Publishers, 2006). Reaching out to your son or daughter’s soon-to-be ex may be interpreted as taking sides.
“Later, when things aren’t so fiery, you can try and have a relationship with that person,” said Temlock, a retired family counselor in Westport, Conn.
When Amanda Riddle realized her marriage to Jason Roach was over, she worried about what would happen to her close friendship with her mother-in-law, Vicki Keasler. The initial separation tested the friendship, Riddle recalled: “She was kind of mad at me.” Eventually, things settled down and the two resumed their friendship. When the divorce became final two years ago, Keasler made her intentions known.
“When we walked out of the courthouse, she told me I divorced him, not her,” said Riddle, who has since remarried. “She hugged me and (Jason) just laughed.” Riddle has two children with Keasler’s son, but both women say their friendship is about more than remaining cordial for the sake of the children.
“Amanda is just a wonderful person,” Keasler, 49, said.
“She’ll always be a part of my family.” They chat on the phone regularly and get together about once a week. Riddle said she talks to her former mother-in-law about “everything from sex to NASCAR.” “I love her to death,” said the 29-year-old Riddle.
When Roach worried that his new girlfriend might be upset by Riddle’s presence at family functions, his mother stood up for his ex. “I would never let Amanda show any disrespect” to Jason’s new girlfriend, Keasler said. “Amanda would never be told she is not welcome.” Sometimes a newcomer to the family has to “swallow it,” said Esmer Rangel of Edinburg, Texas. Her fianc De’s ex-wife regularly visits his parents, who live next door to the new couple.
“It’s kind of a hard situation for me,” the 41-year-old said.
“I’m not expecting them to hate her. I’m trying to make this work.” Claire Celsi of Des Moines, Iowa, is thankful her former mother-in-law has remained in her family’s life – even though her ex-husband has no contact with their two daughters. Celsi, 41, realized the two women could stay connected when she attended funeral services for her ex’s grandmother.
“I showed up at the funeral. Everybody else looked at me like, ‘What are you doing here?”‘ she recalled. But her former mother-in-law thanked her for coming. “She was kind to me,” Celsi said.
Twelve years after the divorce, the two talk frequently, even, occasionally, about the past.
“She has said to me many times, ‘You know I wish things would have turned out differently,”‘ Celsi said. “She’ll tell me, ‘I love you.’ I love her too.”
