Dear Amy: I am 26 and recently moved in with my boyfriend. We live in Virginia, my family lives in the Midwest, and his family, whom he is not emotionally close to, lives within driving distance.
I am very close to my family, and my mom gets upset when I come back home for family holidays and she has to “share” me with other extended family members who have also made the trip. My boyfriend and I are planning a trip to the Midwest for Thanksgiving, and my mom is upset because we will only be there for three days instead of a full week. We haven’t told her yet, but we’re going to be with his family over Christmas. I can imagine her dramatic reaction! I am tired of using all of my vacation time going home for holidays, which are not really vacations.
I don’t know what to say to my mom to make her understand.
– In Holiday Hell
Dear Holiday Hell: Your mother should not have tantrums because she has to share you with others. On the other hand, you’re not exactly helping matters by entering the holiday season expressing this much dread.
It’s time to make that tough transition into adulthood. Unfortunately, you might have to drag your mother along with you.
You should throw your mother a (wish)bone and ask her to spend some “alone time” while you’re home. Ask her if she wants to go out for coffee, or choose an activity that you know she always enjoys. If she expresses disappointment that you’re spending so little time at home, acknowledge her feelings by saying, “I know this is hard, Mom, but this is the best I can do for now.” You should also invite her to visit you for a weekend in your home city. Someone has to rise above these challenges, and now that you’re an adult, it’s your turn.
…
Dear Amy: I am having a problem with my boyfriend. We have been together for a little more than a year, and he keeps changing his mind on marriage. He knows that I want to marry him and that I want a big wedding. But one minute he says he doesn’t want to get married, and the next minute he says that he might want to get married, but that he just doesn’t want to have a big wedding. Then he says that he would only marry me if I won the lottery.
He is older than I am and has been married a couple of times, but I have never been married and have always dreamed of a big wedding. I love him so much, but why won’t he marry me now?
– Confused in Georgia
Dear Confused: Your boyfriend doesn’t want to get married. Please don’t make me count the ways he is demonstrating this, but if you are in doubt, go back to that little “lottery” punch line and realize how insulting it is.Your single-minded focus on having a big wedding seems to have clouded your perceptions. Without a wedding to talk about and think about, is there anything left to your relationship?
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Dear Amy: Reading letters from “Distraught in Delaware,” who was concerned because her elderly mother was verbally abusing his father, brought back memories. When my father lost his mobility and couldn’t walk, my mother berated him and slapped him in the face. It occurred in front of me, but my mother denied it ever happened. Seeking help for my father, I had a family service agency come out to my parents’ home to evaluate my father.
Afterward, the social worker pointed out that my mother also needed help. Unfortunately, she was showing signs of dementia, which wasn’t obvious to us. As you advised, “Distraught” should seek immediate assistance to help her cope with her mother’s rage.
– Stuart in Connecticut
Dear Stuart: You did the right thing in asking for professional help. I hope your letter will encourage other concerned family members to reach out for independent evaluations and assistance.
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