Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 11 years, and we have a 10-year-old son.
It’s been a bumpy road, but we seem to have finally found a place in our relationship where we are both content.
For the most part we get along great; we adore our child and have a wonderful life. We also sleep in separate rooms and no longer have sex. I’m concerned by the fact that I’m completely OK with this and he seems to be as well. I really have no desire any longer to sleep with my husband.
Our lives basically revolve around our son, and we don’t make any effort to have a romantic relationship. I know you’re going to say that every couple should have a date night, but we don’t seem to have any interest in spending quality time alone.
Do you think our relationship is doomed to fail? – Wondering Wife
Dear Wondering: Sexless marriages are more common than you might think. Is your marriage doomed to fail? Not necessarily – though it sounds like a vital part of it already has.
Think about the son you love so deeply. It’s hard enough to be an only child and be the focus of so much unfiltered adult energy. But your son also has to be the glue that holds his parents’ relationship together. I know that you haven’t deliberately put him in this position, but children are like little lightning rods – they absorb sparks and tension, and “ground” the family. Your son probably works very hard to make sure that both of his parents are OK because, as you’ve said, without him there is no relationship left. Your son should not be at the lonely center of your family.
Yes, you need a “date night” like nobody’s business. Couples can have intimacy without having sex, but you can’t have intimacy without having conversations.
Your “dates” don’t have to be highly charged romantic events but times when you and your husband develop interests that reach beyond your son’s world. You also should make the time to meet together in a marriage counselor’s office. There’s nothing like a session in therapy to get the conversation started.
Dear Amy: I am a sophomore in high school. A girl I know is moving out of the country and is hosting a party for herself.
She handed me the invitation at school. I was shocked to see an enclosed wish list, which obnoxiously said that nothing on the list would cost more than $50. I usually spend $15 on my friends’ gifts. It also said that guests needed to coordinate with one another so that she didn’t receive two of anything.
The real rude part came when she mentioned the party to me in class and then turned to one of her friends and said something to the effect of, “I’m sorry I can’t invite you. My parents put a strict limit on how many people I could have over, and I chose someone else instead of you.” The girl said she was OK about it, but later I found that she had gone home crying. A friend who was invited told me that, because of this rudeness, she had decided not to go.
Is it wrong not to attend this party? Should I try to dissuade my other friends from attending? – Confused Invitee
Dear Confused: If you don’t like the way this party is shaping up (and I agree with you that the hostess’ behavior is very rude), then let her know that you won’t be able to make it. But don’t compound the hostess’ rudeness by involving other people in your decision.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
