Our relationship has been tempestuous, Colorado. Love, hate, expectations, disappointments, misunderstandings, laughs, tears – we’ve had them all.
Since I won’t be occupying this space any longer, I’ve made a list of things to remember after I’m not around to needle you anymore. So pay attention.
For starters, Colorado, football is a game, not the ultimate contest between good and evil.
It comes down to a bunch of oversized, overcompensated guys bumping into each other over and over again while people eat guacamole.
Sometimes the Broncos win, sometimes they lose. It’s entertainment. It’s business. It’s sport. It’s beer.
Life goes on.
We all can learn from the example of my sainted mother, who plans her Sundays around the NFL. She roots for Tampa Bay, Green Bay, Miami, Chicago, Atlanta, San Francisco – any team but Dallas.
She adores football, but she doesn’t confuse it with reality.
Then again, she lives in Florida, where even the beaches aren’t exactly real anymore, so she’s hard to fool.
Speaking of reality, Colorado, face it. Ours is a semi-arid climate. That means we can’t have 300 days of sunshine a year, 4.8 million people and enough water to grow both Rocky Ford melons and Kentucky bluegrass.
Personally, I’m for the melons. And I’m also fond of oxygen, so maybe we could call a truce on the vehicular arms race while we’re at it.
This is not Baghdad. None of us really needs a Hummer.
Next, Colorado, get over yourself.
Not everybody looks good in a cowboy hat; Rocky Mountain oysters are not delicacies any more than a kayak splash-skirt is a fashion statement; two people really can survive in fewer than 3,500 square feet of living space, even in Golden; admit it, building another spa in Cherry Creek North is beyond ridiculous; and driving a pickup truck is clearly overcompensating if all you’re doing is commuting between your split-level in Parker and your job as a Web jockey at the Tech Center.
Next, learn to love a Democrat.
This is easier than it looks because unlike Republicans, they come in an array of colors, sizes, net worths, sexual orientations and attitudes. There’s got to be one among the thousands who will be visiting Denver next summer whom you can tolerate, even if you’ve been living in Delta all your life and have never seen one before.
Here’s a tip for those of you in El Paso County: Don’t approach them with your handguns drawn. It leaves the wrong impression.
And Democrats, for the sake of the country, fire the image consultants, ditch the talking points, dare to go off-message and try to be lovable – or at least not so boring.
Say what you really mean occasionally. Take it from me, it’s liberating, and for every person who misspells your name in a profanity-laced e-mail, there are 1,000 others who will approach you in the checkout line in the grocery store when you’re not wearing any makeup and say, “You go, girl.”
Next, don’t forget why you live here.
Gorgeous blue skies, starry nights, champagne powder, reaching the top of a fourteener with your heart pounding from exertion, watching the moon rise over the city from a seat at Red Rocks with Big Head Todd onstage, running along the High Line Canal, hiking in the mountains above Telluride, stopping at a produce stand along the highway in July for a perfect peach in Palisade, listening to the elk bugling in Rocky Mountain National Park.
That’s Colorado. Enjoy it.
And you can do all these things without claiming a piece of the wilderness, really.
Real estate is overrated (especially right now) and not every part of the state needs subdivisions, Starbucks and Northern Italian cuisine. Let it be.
Finally, I love you like crazy, so I’ve left you in good hands.
The Denver Post is still the best bargain in town. For about what you drop in the tip bucket at the coffee shop every morning, you can buy a connection to your community and your world. You get a feeling of belonging along with new ideas, discoveries, people, images, weather reports, Sudoku and David Harsanyi, my sparring partner and friend.
So don’t be a stranger.
This is Diane Carman’s final column. She will join the University of Colorado-Denver School of Public Affairs as director of communications on Monday.
