Dear Amy: A friend claims that she is satisfied with a boyfriend relationship consisting primarily of text messages.
She considers this “talking to him every day.” This seems to be their main mode of communicating, and it is hard for me to believe (based on her other close relationships) that this could ever be sufficient for her.
In this text-crazy world, are there actually mature, adult relationships like this? Apparently, this distant relationship has been going on for years. Is there any way to (gently) help her see the light? She should experience a real relationship with someone who wants to hear her voice and spend time with her in person.
– A Fan of True Love
Dear Fan: I’m not sure why you should talk your friend out of a relationship that has been going on for a long time that she seems to enjoy. If your friend is satisfied with texting: “omg u r so gr8” back and forth to her guy, then what’s the problem?
Not everybody wants or needs what you (or I) might think of as an appropriate amount of personal contact.
Ask her to tell you what she likes about texting or if she would really like more personal contact with her guy. If her needs are being met, then gr8!
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Dear Amy: I recently started a business and hired a competent person. However, there are two things about her that drive me crazy.
First, she uses an enormous dose of perfume every day, which literally makes it hard for me to be in the same room with her. If it bothers me, it might also bother potential clients. Secondly, she smokes and goes for smoke breaks, standing just outside our office door.
I have always hated entering offices or stores when I have to dodge the smokers and inhale their smoke. Now I have that situation in my own business! I believe I’ve built a pretty good rapport with the woman, but how can I get her to change her ways on these two items? – Pain in the Nose
Dear Pain: If you don’t learn how to be direct with employees now, you’re going to have more problems later.
Sit down with your employee, praise whatever efforts she is making that are praiseworthy and tell her that two issues have come up.
Because both issues are related, you can give yourself some cover by saying that you have a “sensitive nose.” Say that because she works with clients who might also be sensitive, you’d like for her to wear much less – or no – perfume while at work. Then say, “I’m also going to ask you to take your smoking breaks farther away from the entrance to the building. Some people object, and I think we need to respect that.” Some cities have rules about smoking within a certain distance of a building’s entrance; if yours does, then point it out to your employee.
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Dear Amy: As the now-adult child of divorce, I wanted to write about the subject of “staying together for the sake of the children.” My parents fought very loudly, which happened more and more frequently the longer they were married. It was an extremely stressful situation for my older sister and me.
Somehow they managed to stay married for 18 years, but my sister and I were so much happier when they finally went their separate ways when we were in our teens. Once they divorced, the stress level eased for all involved, and my parents actually got along once they no longer had to live together.
Thankfully they were able to attend all of our school functions, weddings, births of grandchildren, etc, and be cordial and supportive.
Staying together for the sake of the children is not a great idea, if staying together means everyone’s miserable. – Relieved in Virginia
Dear Relieved: Thank you for expressing your perspective. I haven’t yet heard from adult children who were glad their parents stayed in an unhappy marriage for their sakes, but I’d be interested in that perspective too.
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