Dear Amy: My grandmother is 94 years old, in very good physical health and alert mentally.
She has never been, however, a very good person, and over the years she has managed to alienate all her relatives, except me.
I pity my grandmother because I realize she must live a lonely life these days. She lives far away, but I send her the occasional card to let her know I am thinking of her, and I periodically call her. She makes almost no effort to stay in touch with me, unless she needs something.
It is not pleasant to talk with her because she is racist and enjoys belittling people. The only topic of conversation that she is interested in is the dispersal of her (not inconsiderable) estate after death. For more than 10 years, this has been her primary topic of conversation.
Recently my wife and I went to visit her. I know she was glad to see us and tried to be pleasant, but she kept insulting me and criticizing my personal habits. Apart from that, she spent most of the visit showing us where she has hidden her various bankbooks, and keys to her silver and treasures.
She kept reiterating how much better off financially we would be when she dies. When our trip was over and we had arrived home, I called her to let her know we had arrived safely, and she began interrogating me over when we could next come and visit, accusing me of lying about the expense of travel and the amount of vacation time I get.
The trip depressed me immensely, and I have no plans to visit her again any time soon. Can you suggest any way of staying in touch with her that would cause me minimal emotional damage? – Trying To Be Dutiful Grandson
Dear Grandson: You don’t say whether your grandmother has assistance locally – even if she is healthy it would be good if she had someone nearby to look in on her.
The best way to keep in touch with someone whom you don’t necessarily want to see is to write letters. (In my book, letters are still the best way to be in touch with people you do want to see too.) A nice, newsy letter can let your grandmother know that you are thinking about her, without putting the burden on either one of you to necessarily have a dialogue.
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