Dear Amy: My wife and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We are still in love, and I could not live without her.
She is intelligent and has a beautiful personality, blue eyes and a beautiful face. Unfortunately, we don’t have a fulfilling sex life.
I am 55 and she is 52. I am in great shape. I exercise, but she does not. She is grossly overweight (she weighs more than 200 pounds), and her body does not provide the motivation that I need to want to be intimate with her.
I have tried encouraging her by working out with her and being patient, but nothing has worked. I have tried discussing my feelings with her, but it hurts her feelings, and I hate that, so I stopped trying to explain how I feel.She wants more intimacy, but she just doesn’t provide the motivation. – Confused Husband
Dear Confused: You say that your wife wants to be intimate with you. But she will have to lose a lot of weight for you to want to be with her. Is there any other way – other than her being thin – that you would find her attractive? What if she just can’t lose the weight? Your encouragement and patience – loving gestures as they are – might not help your wife lose weight, because every time you urge her to embark on a new weight-loss program, what she hears is, “You’d be so great – if only you were so different.” Because you are fit and thin, you might think that losing weight is simpler than it is. Unfortunately, weight loss can be very resistant to external encouragement or bargaining.
If you and your wife can’t seem to find a way to talk about this together in a productive way, a marriage counselor will help.
Dear Amy: My 27-year-old son participated in his college graduation about two years ago, but for some reason his degree never arrived. I took it upon myself to find out and was told by someone in his department that all he had to do was take one class and earn a B and the degree would be on the way.
My son knows this but hasn’t done anything about it. I also have noticed that he is delinquent on some of his bills, because notices come to our home.
My husband and I have stressed to him over the years how important it is to pay bills on time. We have bailed him out a few times. He has a well-paying job; he has to take care of these things himself, but he doesn’t.
I was paying his school loan and got it down to a reasonable amount, then turned it over to him, but now this has become delinquent. I need some answers as to why he behaves this way. Why doesn’t he feel the urgency to get his degree? Why does he think that paying his bills is not important? – Concerned Mom and Dad
Dear Concerned: Your son isn’t overly concerned about these matters because you are concerned enough for two.
Your son is 27 and gainfully employed. You should not be calling his college to follow up on his degree – he should. His overdue notices should not be coming to your house.
I realize that it is hard to let go and watch someone you love flounder, but your son is going to have to flounder to mature.
Sometimes screwing up is what it takes for sheltered young people to grow up.
Send your son a copy of Suze Orman’s book, “The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke” (2007, Riverhead), along with a note telling him that you trust him to deal with his own problems.
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