Dear Amy: Recently a close friend of mine told me that her mother was diagnosed with colon cancer.
I was devastated to hear the news.
What made hearing it more difficult, though, was my friend’s insistence that I not tell anyone; she said her mother did not want it known yet. My friend wasn’t even supposed to tell me.
While I am trying very hard to respect my friend’s privacy, I am really struggling not to say anything. This family was my family’s neighbor for many years, and I spent a lot of time at their home.
A few months ago another beloved neighbor died suddenly, and my parents were very upset. My mother felt that she could have been more supportive had she known about the neighbor’s illness sooner.
This is the kind of secret that, in my view, can hurt more than help. – Secretly Grieving
Dear Grieving: Someone asking you to be discreet for now about a medical diagnosis isn’t necessarily the same as asking you to keep a secret. You should respect your friend’s wishes to not disclose her mother’s diagnosis until she is ready.
People vary greatly in how they absorb and deal with this sort of news. Sometimes, attending to concerned well-wishers can add to the stress of a situation. This family deserves time to get the medical care and treatment underway before disclosing what is happening.
A diagnosis of colon cancer isn’t necessarily a death sentence. Your friend would probably feel better if you put your grieving on hold and assumed a positive outcome.
Keep in touch and offer her the support she needs right now. Ask her to let you know when the time is right for you to tell your folks about this diagnosis.
…
Dear Amy: Recently a co-worker whom I trusted with some information caused me to lose my job because he told my manager everything I had told him.
Unfortunately I found out that this manager (he is married) was having an affair with a co-worker. He found out that I knew about his affair, and I truly believe that he waited for his opportunity and used the incident as an excuse to get rid of me.
Should I spill the beans anonymously for him to feel the same pain that he inflicted on me, or should I leave all of them to deal with their own bad karma? – Jill
Dear Jill: The great thing about karma is that the enormous karmic wheel turns, dispensing karmic justice with impunity. Karma acts on its own mysterious schedule.
Now it’s time to work on your own karma. Rather than obsess about how to cause others pain and embarrassment, you had better spend your energy on getting a new job.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
