Dear Amy: My wife and I adopted a wonderful boy nine years ago. My mother was not thrilled (she has too many issues to cover in just one column) but after several months finally warmed to him.
Recently we adopted a second child – a wonderful little girl. Our baby’s birth mother is white (as are we), and the birth dad is black.Our son is part Cherokee and gets brown as a berry in the summer.
My mother evidently has huge issues with the fact that my daughter is of mixed race. We were aware of my mother’s issues previously, but honestly, when you are seeking an infant, you jump at chances like this; our daughter is truly heaven-sent.
It has been made clear to us that we should not stop by to visit this Christmas because of our new child. I know that even if my mother read this column, she wouldn’t think it was about her, but for anyone else out there in a similar situation, please look at the fact that the child has done nothing wrong.
If we are thrilled with our family, shouldn’t our blood-family members be able to swallow their hatred for a few hours a year and get over themselves? The saddest part is that I’m looking forward to skipping the visit with my parents, as these visits have been tense and ugly for years. – Outcast
Dear Outcast: I understand why you would want to skip the holidays with your folks this year, but I hope that you won’t write them off completely. You should give them the opportunity to change. I agree that you shouldn’t try to force this change (forced change seldom works), but be open to the possibility. I also agree that you shouldn’t spend time with your family members until they can behave themselves and demonstrate values that are consistent with how you are raising your kids.
You are wise not to let your regret over this get you down. All you have to do is look at your children to realize how richly blessed you are. It’s a shame that because of their prejudices, your parents can’t share your happiness.
Dear Amy: My husband, “Marty,” and I have been married for 15 years. Our marriage was troubled for years, and earlier this year we separated. We have since reconciled.
I recently found out that my husband not only had an affair with a woman, but also was living with her. I never knew where he lived while we were apart because I was never given the information. The other woman knew he was married, and that didn’t mean anything to her (I assume that their relationship started before our separation). She was introduced to his family and friends.
I need to heal and move on, but I find it very difficult. What should I do? I need closure, and I need a way to heal. I feel betrayed and lied to, and my heart aches day and night. There is a fog around me that needs to be lifted. – Confused, Betrayed and Hurt
Dear Hurt: As it is now, you seem to be the only person concerned about your feelings. Of course your husband isn’t going to want to discuss this, but to truly reconcile, you’re going to have to talk. A marriage counselor will help you ask your husband whatever questions you have about his behavior, both in and outside of your marriage, and help you put his answers into perspective.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
—————————————-
AskAmy by Amy Dickinson
