Dear Amy: My husband and I have four children and make tremendous sacrifices to send them to a private school and have them involved in extracurricular activities.
More and more we are being asked by other parents to contribute a specific amount (like $20) toward gifts for teachers and coaches, team sweat shirts, snacks for halftime and after-games, party supplies for school, etc. For example, in sports we are easily spending double the sports registration fees.
I feel guilty if we don’t contribute, broke if I do, and I’d rather not admit that we can’t afford these extra requests.
If these costs are reasonable, then so be it – we’ll re-evaluate what the kids do and where they attend school.
What do you think?
– Breaking the Bank
Dear Breaking: It’s hard to say that these costs are unreasonable when they are costs that are intended to be spread through the entire community of parents.
However, I agree with you that this whole matter of extra costs should be scrutinized. We’ve talked about sports snacks before in this space, but speaking as a former high school and college athlete, I can’t for the life of me wrap my head around why kids need snacks, snacks, snacks. At the very least, perhaps you could contribute to the discussion by finding a cheaper way to do snacks – I vote for oranges, cut into quarters, and water.
With four kids, perhaps you can get a hand- me-down thing going in terms of team sweat shirts, meaning that you shell out for the first one and then pray that other kids will choose to take up the same sport. Other families may also want to recycle their team sweat shirts to your kids.
It’s also hard to say no to group-financed teacher gifts, but in my view, you should try. You should thank your children’s teachers in your own way – perhaps with a sincere note copied to the head of the school.
I also don’t know what’s wrong with admitting that you can’t afford all of these extras. Your family should continue to place a high value on your kids’ education while being careful about the extra costs. You should also ask your kids to prioritize their activities.
Dear Amy: I am a 50-year-old man and have been married for 20 years.
I met a woman a year ago that I’ve gotten to know very well. Now I realize that I would like to spend the rest of my life with her.
Her feelings are mutual, but at this time I have a 16-year-old child whom I would like to raise until he graduates from high school and, I hope, goes on to college.
My special friend is also 50 and has never been married. She feels that two years is too long for her to wait.
I’ve enjoyed my marriage, but I realize that this other woman fulfills me totally. I don’t want to jeopardize losing her. She said that this situation is very difficult for her.
Is it unreasonable for me to ask her to wait, or is she unreasonable to want me to leave now?
– Confused
Dear Confused: If I say that I honestly don’t care about your wonderful love affair, please don’t take it personally.
I’m thinking about the other two people in this story – the wife of 20 years whom you have “enjoyed” and the child whose interests are taking a back seat to your girlfriend’s timing.
I bet that if you asked your girlfriend to wait, she would wait. I just don’t know whether waiting would matter. You’re already cheating on your family. Will the fact that you stick around to continue to “raise” your son matter all that much when you’re doing so under these circumstances? Are you really providing him with an appropriate role model of how to be a man? I don’t think so.
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