Dear Amy: I have been dating my fiancé for three years, but we knew each other for two years before that. His mom has never liked me. We tolerate each other for his sake, but lately there has been something I can’t ignore. She is the kind of person who says whatever she wants without thinking about how it might make people feel.
My fiancé’s father left them when he was first born, so all they have is each other, which makes this complicated.
She insists on calling him “Boo” in public and treats him like a little kid. She also insists that I cannot take care of him in the sense of making him dinner, cleaning and loving him as much as she does.
He is 23 (I am 20), and all of this was fine at first, but now he is getting tired of it.
– Marrying Boo
Dear Marrying: The shortest distance between you and a better relationship with your fiancé’s mom is along the line that your fiancé himself should draw. And the best way for “Boo” to prove that he is not a little boy anymore is for him to grow up and act like a man.
There is a fair chance that you will never be able to out clean, out cook and out love your fiancé’s mother – because a young man raised by a mother who babies him and doesn’t establish boundaries in adulthood will get the best meal, the cleanest house and the best spot on the couch when his mother and fiancée are locked into a dispute over who can baby him better. The person who needs to work harder to fix this is your fiancé.
Dear Amy: My husband tells our young children to sit on laps; sometimes he even places them onto the laps of acquaintances (but mostly extended family). He also calls male associates and acquaintances – not only close family friends – “Uncle” so-and-so. He says he is helping the kids get over their shyness.
I don’t think it is right to pressure kids into physical affection/contact, especially when they don’t want to. On the “Uncle” issue, I am uncomfortable turning every man they come across into the position of a close relative.
Our children have four real uncles. And I think that politely saying hello, goodbye and thank you is enough. – Who’s Your Uncle
Dear Who’s: I agree with you that it isn’t a good idea for parents to pressure children into physical contact with anyone.
Parents should convey to their children that they (the children) have dominion and control over their own bodies – if a child is feeling “shy,” then the parents should respect that and help the child to find acceptable ways to behave in an affectionate manner, even if he or she is feeling bashful.
Shyness isn’t a fault that a child needs to “get over.” It’s a common behavior that children should be encouraged to grow through.
A child should never be forced to sit on anyone’s lap. You should ask your husband why he prefers lap sitting versus sitting face-to- face so a child and adult can read and enjoy each other’s facial expressions.
Your children need to be able to discern for themselves what is and isn’t appropriate contact with people. Every time your husband forces them into a situation, he chips away at their ability to trust their own instincts.
I also agree with you about the “Uncle” issue; this term of endearment should be reserved for family members and very close friends.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
