Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. We have a beautiful 3-year-old daughter, and she is the only grandchild for my in-laws.
When I was a child, my family moved several times, and we never lived very close to relatives. My husband’s family, however, has never lived more than 5 miles away from the original “family homesteads.” Recently, due to a job opportunity, we moved across the country — 2,300 miles away from my husband’s hometown. We love our new city. My mother-in-law just cannot come to grips with our move. She calls my husband two to three times a day, sends multiple daily e-mails, and makes frequent comments about “when you move back home.” She cries at least once a week when speaking to us.
We send regular letters, including pictures of our daughter and artwork she has done. We schedule weekly Webcam teleconferences with them so they can see us and talk to us in real time. We’ve made plans for them to visit for a week during the Christmas holiday.
My mother-in-law seems to have gone around the bend concerning Christmas gifts. I’m not exaggerating when I say that there are no fewer than 20 boxes of gifts stacked in our closet. Today she e-mailed to let us know that there are three or four more boxes on the way! She knows we don’t have much room. We’ve tried to be humorous about this to persuade her to stop, and she just laughs it off. Then we told her that we’re trying to teach our daughter that Christmas is about more than the gifts.
Any suggestions on how to handle the excess? Would we be out of line to tell her that all gifts over a certain quantity will be donated to needy children before being opened? — Gifts Up To Here
Dear Gifts: Sometimes, overgifting rises beyond the level of being generous. This can be a symptom of a shopping or hoarding problem — both are expressions of anxiety.
Clearly, your mother-in-law is quite upset at your move; your husband needs to acknowledge her anxiety and urge her to change her behavior — or get help to change it.
You could deal with the gift excess by telling her before Christmas that you will choose five packages for your daughter to open on Christmas morning. Tell her that you’ll save the rest for the family’s visit. She can give your daughter one or two more gifts from the pile — and then urge her to return the rest or perhaps the whole family could donate them in your daughter’s and her grandmother’s honor to Toys for Tots.
Dear Amy: I am responding to the letter from “Wondering Wife,” regarding a “boss” whose secretary bought trousers for him as a gift. The wife — and you — felt it inappropriate, and you’re right.
But when a secretary buys trousers for her boss, the first thing that comes to mind is that his wardrobe needs improving and she’s trying subtly to help him dress more professionally.
The secretary may be out of line, but she may also be right. — Seattle Reader
Dear Seattle: Clothing of any kind is an inappropriate workplace gift. Nor should this person be suggesting — through gifts or otherwise — that her boss needs to update his wardrobe or dress more professionally. If this man’s wardrobe is somehow inappropriate or unprofessional, then his boss should let him know.
Dear Amy: How do I get my mother-in-law (who is in her 70s and lives 100 miles away) to go home after a weekend visit? She routinely (and substantially) extends her stay. I am always a gracious hostess, but after three days, I begin to view her as a squatter. This has been an ongoing problem and one that my husband won’t deal with. — Annoyed
Dear Annoyed: You need to be firm at the beginning, when she makes the plan. Say, “We love having you, but we need to keep your visit to three days.” Also, see if she is nervous about driving home; that may prompt her to put off her return.
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