Dear Amy: This past year has been hell. My husband left me about five months ago, after I confronted him with pages and pages of evidence of phone calls to another woman, secret meetings and lots of time spent with her at work.
This has been going on for the past three years. He says that she is his best friend and that he needs to talk to her at least twice a day. Based on the phone records, there were phone calls in the middle of the night, on their way to work, sometimes 10 times a day.
The other woman is also married and has kept this from her husband.
My husband says this is my problem in that I don’t trust him. He is adamant that this is not a sexual or emotional affair. He’s willing to get back together with the caveat that he continues his friendship the way it is.
We tried marriage counseling, but it didn’t work because I refuse to be sloppy seconds and he refuses to give her up. He is planning on filing for divorce.
I tried accepting the situation, but after a while I couldn’t stand it anymore. Is there anything I can do? — Soon-To-Be-Divorced
Dear Soon: Your life will be less hellish when you take back some responsibility for your own reactions and trust your instincts.
Your husband has presented you with an untenable situation. He has done so knowing how painful this is for you. He has tried to “gaslight” you into thinking that this should somehow be acceptable to you — don’t fall for it.
If your husband won’t enter counseling with you and agree to talk about healing your relationship — then I’d suggest that you agree to part and get on with your life.
Dear Amy: On Thanksgiving Day we had eight family members over to our home. Our table setting was formal with tablecloth and cloth napkins, flowers, china, crystal and silver. We prepared a turkey, and our son-in- law brought a turkey as well.
When it was time to carve, we carved our turkey, but he carved only the breast meat.
About that time we noticed, as usual, that he had already had way too much to drink. He put the entire turkey leg (drumstick with thigh attached) on his plate before dinner and then during the meal picked it up with his hands and ripped the meat off with his teeth.
We were very uncomfortable watching this, so a few days later, in a non-threatening way, we approached him about his drunken behavior and poor table manners. We were very careful because he is sensitive.
We said that it’s not good for his almost-3- year-old daughter to see him like that. He replied that he thought we were way too fussy and critical. He also told us that he would not come to our home again.
How shall we handle future formal gatherings in case he decides to attend? — Frustrated In-Laws
Dear Frustrated: This isn’t about turkey and table manners. This is about drunk and disorderly. You don’t mention where your daughter stands regarding this, but I’m sure you must be worried about her.
You have already expressed yourself to your son-in-law. Ignore his current posturing and give him a chance to behave well. If he can’t stay sober and behave reasonably well in your home, you should beat him to the punch and ask him if he needs a ride home.
Express your concerns to your daughter; tell her that you love and support her. She’s going to need you in her corner.
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