Dear Margo: I’ve been divorced now for a little over 10 years. In the process, my ex-wife has alienated my family to the point where they want nothing to do with her. That’s fine because I only deal with my ex-wife as necessary.
The crux of the problem is that my family, because of her, has left my children out in the cold. They’re afraid to contact the kids because they don’t want to deal with my ex-wife. Added to which, my ex has taught the children that people show their love by what they buy you.
In my family, love is shown by what one does for another. I’ve moved closer to my children to be more a part of their lives and, with luck, to reconcile my family with my children, but I’m meeting with some resistance, especially on the part of my sisters.
What to do? — James K.
Dear James: Your overall task seems to be getting it across to your sisters that your kids — their nieces and nephews — need to be part of your family, particularly because of their difficult mother. To facilitate matters, get your children together with your family when you have them, taking their mother out of the equation.
You will have your hands full overriding her materialistic idea of how to show affection, but I do think it can be done.
Don’t lose heart. You sound committed to melding your children into your family, and I am confident you can do it. — Margo, purposefully
Sometimes the Price Is High
Dear Margo: I have a brother, “Nick,” who recently announced his engagement. He boasts to everyone how much he loves this girl and that she’s the love of his life.
My problem is that I was on a singles site and saw his ad looking for intimate encounters with willing females. I confronted my brother about what I discovered and he apologized, saying he would delete the account — which he did. The problem, however, is three months later I came across him again on the same site.
Margo, our dad was unfaithful to our mother throughout their whole marriage, so I gave my brother an ultimatum: If he didn’t come clean to his fiancee himself, then I would, because I didn’t want her to get hurt like my mother. I unfortunately had to go with the latter.
She, of course, forwarded my e-mail and he denied everything. Then he told me he couldn’t believe what I had done. My current spot is a hard one because he has made me out to look like a liar and blames me for trying to break up their relationship.
He has not spoken to me since and they have both blocked my e-mails. I feel that if she is too naive to accept what is going on then at least I tried to warn her. My friends have said I did the right thing, and I tend to agree, but why do I feel I made the wrong decision? — Doing What I Thought Was Right
Dear Do: You feel you made the wrong decision because you paid a price for your actions. It has to be painful to know your brother thinks you double-crossed him. I agree with your friends, however. You took a principled stand born of painful, personal history. Your motive was not to harm your brother but to protect the young woman.
I predict that at some point Romeo will be found out (perhaps even on the same dating site!) and you will be free of the bad-guy label. Try to take comfort in the fact that sometimes doing the right thing is not without cost. — Margo, corroboratively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
