NORTH POLE — Merry Christmas, everybody. It’s Santa Henderson again, and in four nights I’ll be flying across the vast expanse of college football determining who has been naughty and nice.
Tim Tebow? You have nothing to worry about. However, I saw God the other day and he wants his ID back.
And hey, Bobby Petrino? Hope you have a coal-burning stove down there in Arkansas.
In the year of the upset, of Hawaii being perfect and my elves having a better offensive line than Notre Dame’s, it wasn’t easy finding the perfect present. As I was saying the other day to my newest elf, “So, Bill Callahan, what should I get the people of college football this year?” He muttered something about giving Nebraska fans a life, then went back to building toy jayhawks.
I kid Bill a lot, and I shouldn’t. He made my job so much easier this year. After all, no one was more giving than Nebraska’s defense.
But seriously, folks, it has been the wildest year in college football since I started leaving coal in the socks of university presidents. I would hope they put their Ph.D.s together and come up with a Plus-One plan. Maybe then I would stick around after Christmas. The North Pole in January sure beats Tulsa vs. Bowling Green from Mobile.
So below are my Christmas gifts to College Football 2007. Yes, I know you like surprises, but some things aren’t worth waiting for. Take the Motor City Bowl, for example. And I thought the North Pole was cold and boring.
And sorry, Petrino. I have a no-return policy.
Bill Callahan: A spot on the U.S. bobsled team. Why not? No one can drive a team downhill faster. (Psst. Stolen from Nebraska fan websites. Yes, it was the best reading I had here all fall.)
Bowl Championship Series: Louisiana State 2, Ohio State 0. With 10 turnovers, 25 penalties and Les Miles taking the West Virginia job in the middle of the third quarter. A split national championship would be the perfect impetus to launch a Plus-One.
Bo Pelini: Warm bodies. This guy could turn Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen into the Fearsome Foursome. Nebraska’s defense won’t be so giving next year.
Hawaii: Hawaii 48, Georgia 47. Colt Brennan throws for 600 yards, wins it on a double flea-flicker at the buzzer and 10,000 people in Hawaiian shirts pour into Bourbon Street and do the haka.
Steve Fairchild: New facilities. If he can sell recruits on Colorado State, with their facilities and patchwork off-campus stadium, he’s more popular than I am. I’ll clear out my sleigh. He can have my job tomorrow.
Bobby Petrino: A rabid pit bull. One that personally knew Michael Vick and was owned by one of the Atlanta Falcons whom Petrino ditched.
Missouri: Virginia Tech 56, Kansas 0. I’d leave a coal in the sock of the Orange Bowl for shafting Missouri, but a Virginia Tech rout would better prove that it picked the wrong team.
Tim Tebow: Now what could I possibly give him that he doesn’t already have?
The Mtn.: An antenna. Now let me get this straight. Some cities in the Mountain West Conference don’t have any better access to its own conference TV network than I do up here?
Colorado State: A PR clue. Not making Fairchild personally available in Fort Collins or Buffalo does nothing to lift your third-class status on the state’s sports scene. He’s not off to a good start. And neither are you.
Nick Saban: A hyphen. How does Nick Saban-Carpetbagger grab you? That way he’ll always be reminded that he lost to Louisiana-Monroe. Did you know houses in Monroe, La., don’t even have chimneys?
Chris Petersen: A halo. In this era of carpetbaggers, he knows a million dollars in Boise goes a lot further than in Los Angeles or Ann Arbor, Mich., or any other outpost he could be coaching at. So does loyalty.
Juice Williams: A prayer. Welcome to USC’s defense. The Illinois quarterback may be hot stuff against the tai chi defenses of the Big Ten, but he’s nothing against these guys.
Jimmy Clausen: An offensive line. It seemed unfortunately appropriate that he spent so much time on his back at Notre Dame while looking up at Touchdown Jesus.
Ohio State: A front door. The Buckeyes apparently need one. Why otherwise would they creep into the BCS Championship game through the back door?
West Virginia: A new trainer, Dr. Henry Heimlich. Of course, it’s too late. Too bad. Maybe he could have prevented arguably the greatest choke job in the history of American sports.
Sonny Lubick: A cold beer by a babbling brook. May the sun always be in your face and the wind always be at your back, and may you know that you’re the most beloved college coach in the history of the state.
