Dear Amy: With regard to “Frustrated In-Laws,” whose son-in-law was drunk and rude during Thanksgiving, I can tell you where this might be headed.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 19 years. The episodes started off at about three or four times a year and typically happened at family gatherings: weddings, parties and graduations. My husband would get drunk and make a fool of himself. Everyone had a miserable time because of it. I approached his family for help years ago to no avail.
What happens when this behavior continues? Children see their dad drunk, they see him angry and they see him at a terrible place. They hold onto pain. The episodes get worse and more frequent. The alcoholic lies to his family and commits adultery. He gets drunk at every opportunity. He throws a glass across a bar and blames his wife; he gets thrown out of bars and blames his wife. He blames, blames, blames. The couple separate because of his inability to seek help soon enough.
My family and I are grieving the loss of my marriage. They are losing a son-in-law, brother-in-law, uncle and friend. Alcohol destroys whole families.
The irony of it all? My husband is now in alcohol rehab. He is finally seeking help. Maybe he’ll be better for his next wife. — Devastated
Dear Devastated: I am truly sorry for your loss, but I appreciate the eloquence and bravery you demonstrate in telling your story, which I’m sure resonates with many people.
Dear Amy: My husband and I are driving seven hours to visit my brother and his family soon. My brother’s wife of four years is very unhappy, and he says she is taking it out on him by yelling and even throwing dishes at him when she gets mad, which apparently is often.
He says she doesn’t seem to care who hears or sees her anger, and that she has yelled at him in front of the neighbors.
What should we do if this happens while we are there? Should we call her on it? (My brother is not the fighting type.) Is it OK to say something like, “We’re uncomfortable with this, and we’ll leave for now”? Is there a way, if things turn bad, that we could manage to see my brother without having to deal with her? — Concerned Older Sister
Dear Concerned: You are right to make this trip. It sounds as if your brother needs you.
If you witness verbal abuse, you should ask his wife to stop, but don’t engage her otherwise. If you feel that going out for a short time would break the tension, then do so. Then do your best to speak to your brother privately and, with urgency, express your concerns.
“If things turn bad,” you should stay calm but treat the situation seriously. Your goal should be to urge your brother to see this for the toxic relationship it is and offer him support.
Dear Amy: My brother and his wife have three grown children who all live in separate houses with their own children. When they correspond with us, we receive one greeting from the combined family.
At Christmas, it’s a picture of all the grandchildren (or the entire family, Grandpa and Grandma included) with each of their last names printed on the card. For a birthday, it is a gift card from their entire family. For a wedding, it is one single gift from the whole family.
Is it appropriate to respond with one thank- you, or should I send four separate thank-you cards and four separate Christmas cards? What do you think of a family that continues to do this? — Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: Your grown nieces and nephews are cleverly piggybacking their social and familial obligations, and letting their folks do the heavy lifting.
I like the idea of the large extended family’s joint Christmas greeting. However, each grown niece or nephew should also take the time to develop his or her own traditions and relationship with you and your family.
Because this bundled familial contact comes via your brother and his wife, your thanks for gifts should be sent to them and your comments addressed to all. They can then share your thank-you with the rest of the family.
You should send out separate holiday greetings to each family member because you’re a grown-up.
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