Dear Amy: I have been with my girlfriend for two years.
I am deeply in love with her, and we have a satisfying relationship.
Recently, I brought up the idea of marriage. She responded with uncertainty. I’ve talked about it numerous times, but I still get the same answer. I am hurt because I don’t think she wants to be married to me, and I’m beginning to think I should protect myself from being hurt. What should I do? — Stan
Dear Stan: If you keep asking the same question in the same way and receive the same answer, then it’s time to change the question.
Instead of bringing up marriage, you could ask your girlfriend, “How do you see our future together? What do you want?” She might say that she is unsure, confused or that she simply doesn’t want to talk about it. You can respond by saying: “Well, this is what I see and what I want.” Then you ask: “How does that make you feel?” (Women love to be asked how they feel.)
If there were a surefire way for you to protect yourself from being hurt by this relationship, I’d suggest you employ it. Love is patient, love is kind, and sometimes love leaves you in a quivering heap by the side of the road. If that happens, you’ll have to muster every ounce of resilience you possess and remind yourself that it is better to fail at love than never to have loved at all.
Dear Amy: I have boy/girl twins from my first marriage. Neither my fiance nor I want a big, fancy wedding with a large bridal party.
I would like my daughter to be my maid of honor and my son to be the best man, with no bridesmaids or groomsmen.
My fiance, who doesn’t have children of his own, wants the kids to have a special part in the ceremony but thinks that at the age of 9, they are too young for the roles I have suggested. I would greatly appreciate your input. — Just the 4 of Us
Dear Just the 4: Perhaps you should define exactly what you mean by “maid of honor” and “best man.” I agree that your children should have a special role on this wonderful day. But they are children.
Perhaps your kids could walk together, preceding you up the aisle and then sit together during the first portion of the ceremony. Then you and your fiance could ask the children to stand with you as you say your vows to each other.
Dear Amy: The letter from “Wondering” struck a nerve with me regarding whether to allow a child to throw a temper tantrum in a public place.
I agree that it is inconsiderate and selfish on the part of the parents who believe that those who don’t want to listen to their child’s screaming should be the ones to leave.
May I make a suggestion? If you have a child age 3 or older, you can take him aside and speak to him privately in a low, firm voice with your best “mad face.” Ask if he would like to be embarrassed. “I don’t want to have to scold you in front of all these people, but if you can’t act like a big boy/girl, I will have to scold you in front of everyone. Now, I want you to be good so that everyone will like you as much as I do.”
It worked every time with my son, who is now 18 years old, and through the years I have received many compliments on his behavior and what a good kid he is. — Good Kid’s Mom
Dear Mom: “I want you to be good so that everyone will like you as much as I do.” Brilliant.
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