Among the first things to disappear in any recession are items we don’t really need.
This may be why Sharper Image is among the first well-known retailers to file for bankruptcy in the latest downturn.
In 1977, the San Francisco-based gadget peddler began selling products that were decidedly on the cutting edge of cool. But now it’s 2008, and the technology curve has rendered Sharper Image stupid.
Take, for example, its “world’s first ‘intelligent’ water bottle.”
The “HydraCoach” is a bottle with an LCD screen that tells you “the amount of . . . water consumed relative to your daily hydration goals,” according the latest Sharper Image catalog.
You would think that by 2008, basic biological forces would have weeded out anyone who needed a device to warn them when it was time to drink water. But Sharper Image is marketing to this niche anyway: “Silicon mouthpiece is angled for easy sipping.”
Then there’s the “Turbo-Groomer Lighted Nose-Hair Trimmer.” The “PowerTie Motorized Tie Rack.” “RoboPanda.” An animatronic Elvis. And the “thinking person’s pedometer . . . keeps you in tune with FM radio as it counts steps.” As if a nonthinking person’s pedometer comes with AM?
Cellphones, personal massagers, iPod accessories, rolling suitcases, atomic alarm clocks, robots, exercise equipment, GPS navigation systems and handy little kitchen gizmos — today, we can buy these items anywhere else, and usually for less.
Remember iRobot’s Roomba, that disk that roams around your house vacuuming? You can buy it at Target. Need a business-card scanner? Try Office Depot. A radar detector? Best Buy. Or how about a turntable with a UBS cable that lets you rip old records into your new computer? .
Wouldn’t it be cool to get drunk and give yourself a Breathalyzer test? Try the “AlcoHawk” digital breath-alcohol detector at Sharper Image. Or if you are too drunk to drive to the mall, just Google it.
Struggling to stay ahead of the technology curve, Sharper Image turned to ionizing air purifiers. These devices accounted for 28 percent of its sales in 2005. Then came a Consumer Reports study that said they generated ozone and might be dangerous. Class- action lawsuits are still pending.
No surprise Sharper Image has even failed to corner the market on massage chairs. It currently advertises “the world’s first zero- gravity massage chair” for $3,995. But this chair does not defy gravity any more than Sharper Image’s stock, which traded for nearly $40 in 2004 and now for 50 cents.
The storied retailer has been through four CEOs in two years. None could write the next chapter, except for turnaround specialist Robert Conway. He was just named CEO on Valentine’s Day and came up with Chapter 11.
The company’s reorganization plan includes closing half of its 183 stores. In Colorado, it has four stores: Aspen Grove in Littleton, Briargate in Colorado Springs, Cherry Creek in Denver and FlatIron Crossing in Broomfield.
Maybe they’ll keep at least one of them open. Because if we’re in a recession, we might actually need a “wrist blood pressure monitor . . . with one-touch simplicity.”
Respond to Al Lewis at blogs. ., 303-954-1967 or alewis@denverpost.com.
