Dear Amy: My husband of 20 years is in the middle of a major midlife crisis. He is unsatisfied with his job, our home and his life in general.
Things he used to enjoy have been pushed aside. He complains about everything, and has decided that he has been unhappy being married to me for the last 15 years.
He has a woman friend who suddenly has become his “right arm,” and they have lunch together daily and spend hours on the phone with each other.
He claims they are just friends, but he also told me he has fallen in love with her. She is married and supposedly has no intention of leaving her husband, but she knows how my husband feels about her and encourages their relationship.
My husband is on the fence about whether or not he should stay married, given the situation. He says he still loves me, but he’s just not in love with me. He claims he’s trying to figure out what will make him happy.
I, on the other hand, am miserable because I desperately love him and want us to work things out. He is cycling in and out of depression, and he flip-flops back and forth about staying together. — Hurting
Dear Hurting: You and your husband need a third party to help sort out his global dissatisfaction — and no, I’m not talking about his “lady friend,” who is providing a diversion and an emotional smoke screen for him to hide behind.
He needs a therapist. His waffling isn’t fair to you and each time he changes direction, it weakens your union.
It is fairly common to hit the skids at midlife, but if your husband feels the only thing going right in his life is an inappropriate relationship with an unavailable woman, he is skidding off the road.
He should see a counselor — preferably one who has an expertise in dealing with men at midlife. He also needs to be screened for depression.
A book you might find helpful is “How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis: Strategies and Stories From the Midlife Wives Club,” by Gay Courter and Pat Gaudette (2003, Perigee).
Dear Amy: In response to “Anonymous,” who felt self-conscious about using her food stamps, I am a cashier in a grocery store.
The people I look at with derision are the ones who come through my line with $600 to $700 worth of food stamps, dressed to the nines, wearing more gold than Fort Knox and $100 shoes when I am buying my meat on the last sale date and my produce from the rewrap rack.
My husband and I both work. The way this economy has been going, I am hard-pressed to keep food on my table. I do not have a problem with “Anonymous,” who has a disabled child to care for, not working. In my opinion, she is probably working more and longer hours than someone who gets paid for it.
My problem is with the people who take advantage. — Cashier
Dear Cashier: I can only assume that the majority of people who accept food stamps are those who are truly in need. And I commend you and the other hardworking people out there soldiering on through these tough times.
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