After six years chiming the bells at St. Anne’s, 12 years in Catholic schools and a lifetime despising boy bands and evangelical music, you’d think I’d be well-suited to explain the “mass appeal” of a high-energy, wafer-thin piece of cheese like “Altar Boyz.”
I’ve now seen two different stagings, but I still have no empirical or celestial idea why New York audiences have been loving this show for three years, or why Saturday night’s Arvada Center crowd afforded it the kind of wild adulation normally reserved for Jagger or Jesus — depending on whether you’re attending a concert or megachurch.
I suspect it’s because, as either parody or satire, “Altar Boyz” is a fun but frivolous fraud. Everything it sets up to send up, it ultimately honors — which, ironically, might be its biggest selling point for the largely non-secular audiences that often show up at the Arvada Center. You might presume boy bands and evangelism and blind faith are going to be mocked here, however gently, but instead they are all safely reinforced.
This is no “Spinal Tap.” It’s “Forever Plaid” moved forward five doe-eyed decades in time. When one kid says, “More Americans are demanding God in their entertainment than ever before,” it’s no joke. And “Altar Boyz” gives it to them.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with giving audiences a crowd-pleasing and inoffensive evening. It’s a matter of expectation. Some might naturally assume it’ll be weightier. Instead we have five small-town Ohio altar boys-turned-popsters named Matthew, Mark, Luke, Juan and . . . Abraham? . . . here in Arvada — please learn how to pronounce it correctly, Boyz — for the last night of their farewell concert tour (sponsored by Sony). They sing sugary spiritual clap-along ditties like “Jesus Called Me on His Cell Phone” and “Everybody Fits” as part of their campaign to save the world, one screaming fan at a time. A silly sensor machine monitors troubled souls in the audience, and the concert just can’t stop ’til that number drops — to zero.
The script and score poke fun at everything from “The Exorcist” to corporate music sponsorship to telethons to product placement to evolution, with “poke” being the operative word. Nothing connects with any more blunt force than a punchline from “Nunsense.”
Characters are cleverly patterned after Enrique Iglesias/Ricky Martin, Marky Mark and Clay Aiken, but you just can’t skewer at room temperature.
Director Stephen Bourneuf’s staging is clever and well-crafted, but he deftly sidesteps any subversive undertone, notably the comic homoeroticism in the lyrics “God Put It in Me” — rhythm, that is. And therein lies the musical’s biggest cop-out.
Mark is a flamboyantly gay but closeted youth with an adulterated, unexpressed crush on pinup-frontman Matthew (Preston Ellis). After the writers spend an hour endearing us to all five of these likable boys, they have a real opportunity to address faith and tolerance as it applies to sexuality. Mark is one of our “troubled” souls, after all, but when the moment comes for him to be true to himself and publicly reveal who he is, his big confession turns out to be . . . he’s Catholic.
The crowd erupts with laughter, perhaps sensing the welcome detour from a potentially awkward moment. John Pinto Jr. deserves the resultant adulation for his wailing performance on the song (“Ephiphany”), but given that his character’s spirituality is no secret, this is all an elaborate joke that makes no sense. That’s what happens when you straddle reverence and irrelevance. This show is harmless to its own detriment.
There’s also an opportunity to get a bit wicked when Matthew sings his ode to abstinence, but this staging misses the joke. Matthew brings a random girl up from the audience, but he’s supposed to sing the comic refrain, “There’s something about you girl . . . that makes me want to wait,” right to the poor girl’s face. Here, though, the punchline already has passed before Ellis can get the girl in place.
Bourneuf has put together an excellent, all-imported cast of Ellis, Pinto, Timothy Wilson (Luke), Mauricio Perez (Juan) and David Perlman (Abraham). But it’s almost inconceivable that not one Denver actor could crack this five.
It’s worth noting that “Altar Boyz” is not a subscription offering, so the Arvada Center is having to build its audience from scratch for this show. That’s no easy task, and a few performances already have been canceled for lack of patrons.
With attendance at the Arvada Center in a free-fall, wouldn’t it just make good business sense to throw loyal audiences a bone by giving them one familiar, worthy face?
After all, these are people who will stand in line to see Beth Flynn darn socks. They’d certainly come to see just one of their own “Boyz.” And pay.
John Moore: 303-954-1056 or jmoore@denverpost.com
“Altar Boyz”
Pop musical. Arvada Center, 6901 Wadsworth Blvd. Through June 1. 1 hour, 35 minutes with no intermission. 7:30 p.m. Tuesdays-Saturdays, 1:30 p.m. Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays. $25-$46. 720-898-7200 or
This weekend’s theater openings
“23 Seconds about John Cage” Naropa Institute’s episodic journey through the composer’s works, acknowledging his application of Buddhist teachings and psychology to the creation of post-modern art. Part-installation, part-concert and part multimedia play. Through Saturday. Atlas Center Black Box Theatre, University of Colorado-Boulder campus, 303-786-7030 or
“Almost Denver: Songs and Failures of Jim Aurora” This musical parody of Denver — and John Denver — was conceived by the late Rattlebrain Comedy Theatre. Very funny show chronicling the life of a “forgotten folk singer” through song parodies like “Take Me Home, Parker Road” and “Heavin’ on a Jet Plane.” Features Dave and Jane Shirley from the original Rattlebrain cast, joined by new cast members from the host Avenue Theater. Avenue Theater, 417 E. 17th Ave., 303-321-5925 or
“Boy Gets Girl” An overworked woman is taken in by a nice guy she meets on a blind date, but his desperation turns him into a violent stalker. By Rebecca Gilman. Through May 18. openstage etc., at the Center for Fine Art Photography, 400 N. College Ave., Fort Collins, 970-221-6730 or
“The Boys Next Door” A touching and comic play about four mentally handicapped men living in a communal residence under the watchful eye of a caring but burnt-out social worker. Through June 1. Vintage Theatre, 2199 E. 17th Ave., 303-839-1361 or
“A Chorus Line” This is the launch of the national tour that’s intensely faithful to the 1975 original. We meet 17 dancing gypsies competing for eight spots in a Broadway show. Through May 17. Buell Theatre, Denver Performing Arts Complex, 303-893-4100 or
“The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)” Three comic actors (Geoffrey Kent, Matthew Mueller and Stephen Weitz) attempt to convey the majesty and magnificence of every Shakespeare play — in less than two hours. Through May 16. Boulder Ensemble Theatre Company. Dairy Center, 2590 Walnut St., Boulder, 303-440-7826 or .
“The Death and Resurrection of Carl Verplank” This new play by and starring Judson Webb follows protagonist Carl Verplank through four different incarnations and four very different deaths. Read a script sample at . Through May 10. Dairy Center, 2590 Walnut St., Boulder, 303-443-2122 or .
“In the City” Four one-act plays by Colorado playwrights — “Fur,” by Karl Kopp; “Edgar,” by Frank Oteri (read script sample at .); “Like Trains in the Night,” by Joel Eis; and “From the Lips of a Strange Woman,” by JD Mason. Brooks Arts Center, First Divine Science Church, 1400 Williams St., email the brooks arts center
“Sight Unseen” Donald Margulies (“Dinner with Friends”) asks: How does commercial success blur an artist’s vision? How does the prism of time distort perspective? Presented by Paragon Theatre through May 31. Crossroads Theatre at Five Points, 2590 Washington St., 303-300-2210 or .
“Squabbles” Comedy by Marshall Karp about two successful marrieds, her not-so-happy father and his mother — all living under the same roof. Through May 11. Arvada Festival Playhouse, 5665 Olde Wadsworth Blvd., 303-422-4090 or .
“Till Death Do Us Part” An interactive dinner where you’ve been invited to a wedding and everyone is anticipating a happy ending, but this one may surprise you. Through May 31. Adams Mystery Playhouse, 2406 Federal Blvd, 303-455-1848 or .
This weekend’s theater closings
Friday, May 2: Arvada Center’s “A Year With Frog and Toad” (children’s)
Saturday, May 3: Boulder’s Dinner Theatre’s “Little Shop of Horrors”
Saturday, May 3: Lannie’s Clocktower Cabaret’s “A Tribute to Miss Peggy Lee”
Saturday, May 3: OpenStage’s “The Cripple of Inishmaan” Fort Collins
Saturday, May 3: El Centro Su Teatro’s “Little Hands Hold the Wind”
Saturday, May 3: Wildfire Theatre Company’s “Proof” Berthoud
Sunday, May 4: Modern Muse’s “Bee-Luther-Hatchee”
Sunday, May 4: Arvada Center’s “The House of Blue Leaves”
Sunday, May 4: Bas Bleu’s “Wings” Fort Collins
Sunday, May 4: Nonesuch’s “I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change” Fort Collins
Sunday, May 4: Union Colony Dinner Theatre’s “The Odd Couple” Greeley
Sunday, May 4: Germinal Stage’s “The Birthday Party”
Sunday, May 4: Denver Children’s Theatre’s “Sleeping Beauty” (Mizel Center)
Sunday, May 4: Jesters Dinner Theatre’s “Guys & Dolls” Longmont
Sunday, May 4: Performance Now’s “Thoroughly Modern Millie” Lakewood
Sunday, May 4: Star Bar Players’ “Rabbit Hole” Colorado Springs
Sunday, May 4: Coal Creek Community Theatre’s “Sylvia” Louisville
Complete theater listings
Go to our complete list of every currently running production in Colorado, including summaries, run dates, addresses, phones and links to every company’s home page.
Compiled by John Moore
This week’s podcast
Running Lines at . . . Shadow Theatre’s opening night. Listen to John Moore’s interviews at the inaugural performance of “Dinah Was,” marking the company’s move into its new theater in Aurora. Guests include Jeffrey Nickelson, Hugo Jon Sayles, Michael R. Duran, president Valeria Howard, former TV anchor Reynelda Muse and more.Listen by
