Dear Amy: I have been married for 15 years. I just found out that my husband has kept in contact with an ex-girlfriend — they were once engaged, but she broke it off.
My husband had never mentioned her to me before. My gut told me something was up. I did some checking and found out that he had met with her. He lied to me about this until I confronted him. His story is that he would not want to know if I met with an old boyfriend, so he didn’t tell me about meeting his ex-girlfriend.
I think that lying for 15 years is nothing but straight-out cheating! My gut also tells me there is more to this story. — Following My Gut
Dear Following: Please don’t jump the gun and call your entire marriage a lie because of this. Now that the ex is out of the bag, however, you and your husband have some serious talking to do.
Intimate partners should be transparent about previous (and certainly ongoing) relationships. To omit this important detail is to put up a wall where there should be a window.
Your husband is being disingenuous when he says that he was keeping something important from you because he would want you to lie in a similar circumstance.
For the sake of your marriage, if there is more to this story, then you need to find out what the missing pieces are. Was this lunch with an old friend or a desire to rekindle an old flame? It’s time for full disclosure.
This is a conversation best held in the presence of a marriage counselor. A professional should be able to explain how important truth and trust are in a marriage. Then you two can commence the process of trying to repair the damage.
Dear Amy: I work with “Angela,” whose daughter knits beautiful little hats. After I admired one of these hats that Angela wore to work, she asked if I would like her daughter to knit one for me. Of course I said yes. She never mentioned money to me at that time.
Imagine my surprise when a few weeks later Angela showed up in my office, gave me the hat and said, “That’ll be $15, please.” Was I wrong to assume that this was a gift? — Wondering
Dear Wondering: Ideally, when “Angela” offered to ask her daughter to knit a hat for you, you would have said, “Oh, that’s great — tell me, how much do they cost?” I’m not sure why you would assume this was a gift, unless you and Angela — or her daughter — are especially close, and it doesn’t sound as if you are.
Once Angela told you the price of the hat, you could have said, “Oh, $15 is a little steep for me. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.” But I don’t think that $15 is too high a price to pay for a lovely, made-to-order hat, do you?
Dear Amy: I’m responding to letters from people who say they are angry about the “shakedown” many wedding showers have become. One writer was concerned because she had been asked not just to bring a gift but also to bring a gift basket full of goodies.
Gift baskets can be quite inexpensive to put together. But there are many items at discount stores and dollar stores that would be fun and kitschy to include in a gift basket. People just need to be a little creative! — Shower Veteran
Dear Veteran: I love your suggestion and agree that a personalized, kitschy gift basket can be quite inexpensive to put together — certainly less expensive than many of the items prospective brides and expectant mothers list on their registries.
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