Dear Margo: For more than a year, I have been dating an emergency room doctor who works with her ex-fiance. She knew he was not right for her and left him over two years ago. He admitted many infidelities throughout his life and even now is dating another person in the practice. I am not the jealous type, but recently she admitted that a few months ago they spent time together at his house around his pool and in his bedroom “watching movies,” though I was told she picked up an extra shift. He was supposedly going through a hard time and of course wanted her back. She tells me nothing happened, but admits lying to me. She promised to take a lie detector test, but now has backed out and says I should believe her without a test. We do love each other and had planned to marry, but we are now in a standoff. She’s hurt that I don’t believe her, and I am hurt that she ever saw him and not totally convinced of her fidelity. Where do you see this going? — Texas Guy
Dear Tex: I have some reservations about a romance, let alone an engagement, where the words “lie detector” come up. You need to decide whether you believe her, and I guess that would come from a gut feeling. If only for the sake of determining how you feel, tell her you’d like to put this all behind you and see if you can get back to where you were. Putting aside the old bf and the bedroom movies, you will be in a better position to evaluate your instincts about her fidelity. If you find you are unable to put it back together, that’s an answer, too. — Margo, exploratorily
Getting to know you
Dear Margo: I’ve been dating a great guy for about four months now. There’s just one li’l problem: One of his exes is still friends with his family. She comes to all family functions and goes to their church. She is one of them. I didn’t think I would mind until one day, after church, when we were all at his family’s house for dinner and she was there. I was extremely uncomfortable. I mean, here’s this man whom I deeply care for, and I’m trying to get to know his family, but I feel like I can’t because she’s in the way. I just sit there, silent. She was holding conversations with them, and I felt like the outsider! And yes, my boyfriend and I have gone back and forth on this and he doesn’t like it, but he says it’s not his house and there’s nothing he can do. He says the best thing for us is to just not go over there. But, Margo, I don’t want the man to stop seeing his folks! There’s got to be a better way. Help! — Feeling Like the Caboose
Dear Feel: You are in no way the caboose, so try to adopt a new overview of where you fit in. You don’t say what kind of ex you’re dealing with … a former wife or a girlfriend. In any case, you are blessed that your bf suggested just not going. I think what needs to happen is that your beau tells his parents you feel somewhat inhibited trying to get to know them when the ex is always there. (He might add that you’re not trying to get to know her.) That way, the ball’s in their court. If your romance is serious, one would think his parents would have figured things out. If they’re crazy about this woman, then they’re being passive-aggressive and you definitely should bag the visits. Sooner or later you will get to know them, if it turns out that you are “the one.” — Margo, gradually
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
