Dear Margo: I’ve had a very good girlfriend for about four years. She has a boyfriend she’s been with for five years. I don’t really have anything nice to say about him. When we all hang out, things are OK; it’s the rest of the time that is problematic. She started her relationship with him while he was married, and she doesn’t trust him as far as she can throw him. (Who would?) She bends over backward taking care of him and gets nothing in return. In the time we’ve been friends, she’s broken up with him and kicked him out at least three times, but he’s always back within a month. I know for a fact he has hit her on at least two occasions, and we can never go out together without her getting calls and text messages from him checking up on her.
They have gone to counseling a few times but nothing changes. There is no intimacy in their relationship. She realizes all this and asks me over and over why he won’t change. I’ve tried being nice and I’ve tried being blunt, telling her he doesn’t love her, and that he’s only there because she takes care of him. For four years now I have been asked for advice on the same problem. I have told her she has two choices: accept it and be quiet, or leave him for good. She is one of my closest friends, and I am just looking for the best way to tell her that if she is going to stay in this relationship, I don’t want to hear a word about it. Does that make me a bad friend? — Fatigued
Dear Fat: Your advice couldn’t be better: accept him or call it a day. I was about to say “accept him, warts and all,” but this guy sounds like one big walking wart. The fact that your friend sees it but won’t deal with it is maybe a bigger problem than he is. But it is her problem, not yours. I think it perfectly fair to tell her you can’t listen to the complaints anymore because she has never been receptive to your point of view, which is not going to change. It’s a sad but true thing: We cannot save people from themselves, and women are not reform schools. — Margo, firmly
A time for fairies
Dear Margo: What’s wrong with the truth? Why must parents lie to their children? Santa? The tooth fairy? You ran a letter a while ago on this subject, and I wish to object. You were not only encouraging lying about their existence, but were aiding parents in advancing the lies once their children began to question them. If a child is old enough to realize there’s a difference between what the tooth fairy brings them and what a friend gets, well, good grief, it’s time to let them know that good ol’ mom is their “wink, wink” fairy. — Voting for the Truth
Dear Vote: Oh, c’mon, try to think like a 6-year-old. I think the tooth fairy and Santa are rites of passage for little kids. It’s hard to imagine anything better than the tooth fairy and a little gift to soothe a youngster whose teeth are falling out. I agree it’s time to fess up when a child starts suspecting that Santa and other imaginary folks of childhood are make-believe. When they’re on their way to figuring this out, then it’s time to say, “OK, you’re a little too grown-up for that now.” But why take away a time-honored ritual of childhood in the name of “honesty”? I think you misread the letter you’re referring to, by the way. The kid was only wondering why his friend got money and he got books, not questioning the existence of the bringer. (That may not be a word, but everyone knows what I mean, right?) — Margo, childishly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
