My husband sleeps around, literally. I actually don’t mind because he gets paid for sleeping around, which is more than most men can say.
One hundred days a year, he travels the country staying in hotels, where he allegedly gives talks and gets paid. I’m not sure about the talk part, but I’m sure about the hotel part, because I get the credit card bills. And I’m sure about the paid part because the money shows up in our checking account.
Now, as the wife of a traveling husband who sleeps around, I have questions. Good, legitimate questions:
“How are the beds? Particularly the sheets? Are they scratchy, smooth, coarse or fine? Is thread count higher in a four-star hotel than in a three-star hotel?”
And the king — or queen — of all questions: “Is any bed better than ours?”
Dan’s perceptive analysis: “I don’t pay much attention.”
How is it that the same man who can perceive the slightest fluctuation of interest rates simply by sticking his finger in the wind doesn’t notice what he sleeps on?
“But you’re the perfect one-person focus group,” I insist. “Not everyone gets to test drive 100 beds a year.”
“Not everyone is the ‘Princess and the Pea,’ ” he says, insinuating something.
Then he furrows his brow to think: “I did stay at a lower- end hotel recently, and the sheets felt like sandpaper.”
“Bravo!” I say. This is progress, even though an armadillo can tell the difference between Motel 6 sheets and ones at the Hyatt.
I care about sheets. One lifestyle mantra I live by is this: The closer something is to your body, the better it should feel. This argues for good underwear and cheap drapes.
I’m even more passionate about sheets since I recently learned about — and I hate to be the one to shock you — thread inflation. Apparently, we are in the midst of an epidemic of thread inflation! Some companies, knowing that consumers think higher thread counts equal better sheets, have misrepresented their thread counts. Gasp! There have been lawsuits. I haven’t been this appalled since Monica Lewinsky first met President I-never-had- sex-with-that-woman Clinton, and showed him her thong. I still have a hard time picturing that exchange. “It’s an honor to meet you, Mr. President. Would you like to see my . . . ?”
Anyway, I don’t know about you, but thread inflation is enough to make me toss and turn all night on my 300- thread-count (or maybe not?) Percale sheets. If you can’t rely on thread count, what can you count on?
“As for which bed is best,” Dan interrupts my silent rampage, “ours is. There’s nothing better than being in your own bed,” he says. Spoken like the highly perceptive man that he is.
Syndicated columnist Marni Jameson is the author of “The House Always Wins” (Da Capo). Send her your home improvement horror story for a chance to win a copy of the book. Details at .
Sheet shell game
To avoid a sheet scam, I asked Norma Keyes, director of product standards for Cotton Inc. in Cary, N.C., how to get a great set.
Measure. Before you shop, measure dimensions, including depth, of your mattress. Otherwise you’ll have to arm wrestle your fitted sheet onto the mattress only to have it pop off in the night and wrap around you like a sea serpent.
Know what you want. The look, feel and function of sheets depend on the fabric. All-cotton is by far the most popular. Cotton blended with polyester won’t wrinkle but doesn’t breathe as well as pure cotton and tends to pill.
“They’re a good choice for kids or college students,” Keyes says. “For people creating a nest that’s their heaven on Earth, I’d recommend all-cotton.”
Egyptian cotton or pima is best. Those varieties typically offer a longer staple length. That’s textile talk for smoother surface. Weave also matters. If you like a crisp, light sheet, you’ll prefer percale cotton.
If you like a weightier silky sheet, go for sateen. Cotton flannel sheets are nice in winter but cling to pajamas.
Understand the numbers. Thread count — the number of threads both up and across in 1 square inch of fabric — does affect quality, but higher is not always better.
“I’ve felt 1,000-thread-count sheets that were stiff,” Keyes says. Typically, sheets under 200 threads per inch feel coarse, whereas sheets over 300 feel softer. The confusion comes with two-ply cotton. Some sneaky companies twist two threads into one thread and still count that as two threads. They bill a sheet that really has a 200 thread count as having a 400 count, which just makes me want to crawl in bed with a pint of Häagen-Dazs.
“Read the label,” Keyes continues. “When you see two-ply, cut the thread count in half, and always feel them first. You will get a wonderful sheet set if you find all cotton with a 400 to 600 thread count, made of single yarn.”
Appeal to the other senses. When selecting color, you can’t lose with white. I’m not a fan of patterned or colored sheets, unless they’re pastel. Dark sheets seem suspect and dirty even when clean.
To keep sheets smelling fresh, wash them often in hot water with pleasantly scented detergent. Wash new sheets before using them to rinse out sizing. Avoid fabric softener, which coats sheets (and towels) and makes them less absorbent. For a nice touch, spritz sheets with lavender, a scent that invites relaxation, or rosewater.
Sweet dreams.
