Dear Amy: I am a single dad with a 10-year-old daughter. When my daughter was born, my wife and I owned a house with one bedroom on the ground floor and two bedrooms on the second floor. We slept on the ground floor.
When our daughter was 4 years old, as part of her evolution toward independence, we bought her a new bed and moved her into one of the second-floor bedrooms. Initially, our daughter found this scary, but we stuck with it, believing it was in her best interest to foster independence. My wife and I divorced in late 2002. We share custody equally.
Last summer, I discovered that our daughter sleeps with her mother virtually every night. When she sleeps at my house, she sleeps in her own bed/bedroom, alone. This caused me grave concern, and I broached the topic with my ex. She seemed unconcerned.
What are the implications of this? Has the harm been done, or is it balanced by her having her own bedroom in my house? — Concerned Father
Dear Concerned: I’ve done the math, and it seems that you were urging your young daughter toward independence and into a room on another floor of the house in the same year that you and your wife split. This experience, which you say your daughter found frightening, might have happened a little too soon for her.
Kids who co-sleep with their parents sometimes do so because of their own unmet needs, but sometimes they are meeting the needs of the parent. Your ex-wife might be encouraging this sleeping arrangement because she is alone and lonely.You should ask your daughter if she likes sleeping with Mom, or if she would like for you to help her talk to her mother about fixing up her room, However, if she seems happy and secure in both homes, you shouldn’t worry about it too much for now but continue to pay close attention.
Dear Amy: Every now and then, my friends from out of town want to come visit.
I live in a studio and don’t have a spare room to accommodate a visitor. I feel guilty about being inhospitable to my friends, but I also think I should not feel obligated to provide accommodations to friends who come to visit. How do I convey the message that I am unable to provide housing without sounding inhospitable or offensive? — Spaced Out
Dear Spaced: You should develop a list of local accommodations in different price ranges to forward to your friends when they inquire about visiting. Just tell them, “My place is too tiny for guests, but if you come I’ll do my best to show you the town.” You can be a good host by being generous with your time and attention.
Dear Amy: With the wedding season upon us, a number of us have questions regarding the price of the gift. Some friends suggest that etiquette dictates the gift should be equal to what was spent on the food and drink at the reception. Does that mean that a family of six should spend $600? Others believe that your relationship with the bride or groom and your financial situation are what dictates the price of the gift. Who is correct? — Wondering in Indiana
Dear Wondering: I have also heard the guideline that wedding guests should spend the equivalent of the cost of their presence at a wedding reception, but I don’t like this “rule.” Spend only what you can safely afford.
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