Dear Margo: My daughter is in a bad marriage. She has a 7-year-old son from a previous relationship whom her current husband has never adopted. They have one toddler son together and a daughter on the way. My daughter is thinking about giving up her first son because he is very active and sometimes hurts the baby. I have tried to tell her to get family counseling, but she brings up her bad memories of our family therapy years ago. I tell her it would destroy her son if he were put into foster care. Margo, he’s a bright and sensitive child, but precocious and smarter than some adults! He is as challenging as she was when she was young. Please give me some advice so I can discourage her from giving up on him! — Scared Grandma in the East
Dear Scared: I don’t think you can give children away, and I’ve never heard of such a thing for the reasons you describe — and a 7-year-old, yet. One question is: How is he hurting the baby? There is sibling rivalry, and then there is something more serious. I suspect the little boy is acting out because he feels the rejection I read between the lines in your letter … and he may, in fact, have been threatened with being “given away.” If you are able, perhaps suggest that the youngster come live with you for a while; then you can get him the help he needs. You could also build up his feeling of being wanted. A loving grandmother has saved the day more than once. If this is not a possibility, you must impress on your daughter the importance of helping her firstborn. Stress that these are different days from when she, herself, might have had a bad experience with family counseling. And maybe exiting the bad marriage would be a positive step for her. I have a hunch the bad marriage is not unrelated to your grandson’s difficulties. Good luck to you all. — Margo, intercessionally
What To Do If It’s “As the World Turns” in Your Workplace
Dear Margo: I am a woman in my late 30s. I feel like I may lose my mind listening to the mindless gossip and drama going on with my female co-workers. I have always refused to go to lunch with them because I do not enjoy their company and have nothing in common with them. I can barely get through my workday listening to them go on and on, let alone smile through an entire lunch hour. One is leaving her husband. Another is constantly fighting with her boyfriend. (She fights and cries on the phone with him. She writes him letters and then passes them around for all of us to read.) Someone else sleeps around with men she meets on the Internet. It’s ridiculous. I know they think I am rude, but the office soap opera is sometimes too much for me. I have always had problems relating to women. I am miserable. Am I anti-social? How can I politely stay the heck away from them? I need this job, but it’s getting to me. — Feeling Awkward
Dear Feel: I don’t think you are anti-social; you just seem to be uninterested in the conversation of the women in your office. (And who can blame you?) I believe the discussions you describe should be for friends, and certainly not general office fare. If these babes find you rude or aloof, so what? I don’t think you have to explain yourself, but should you feel it necessary, simply tell the drama queens that you are a private person who decided some time ago to not involve herself in the lives of colleagues. If they think you’re a snob, let them. And have you thought of earplugs? — Margo, separately
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
