Dear Margo: I’m the luckiest woman in the world. A truly remarkable man and I are madly in love; the relationship is wonderful and we are very good for each other. The catch? I am 30 and he is 22. Eight years may not seem like a large age gap, but I’m experiencing a bit of culture shock. Early as it may seem, he brought up the possibility of moving in together someday (he stayed at my house for a week and a half and we got along beautifully; that’s what brought it up), and I explained that I’d only want to do that if there were an engagement — a personal decision based on past experience. My point of view really surprised him because most of his friends in serious relationships are cohabiting; evidently the younger generation moves in together very quickly these days. I can easily see myself with my gentleman friend for the rest of my life, and I know he feels the same, but 22 seems a little young to get married. Then again, I’m worried that if we wait more than a year or two we may not be able to have children … or people will begin to mistake me for his mother. Do you think this is a hopeless situation? — Robbing the Cradle?
Dear Rob: Like so many things, your situation depends on the two personalities involved. (Please don’t attach any meaning to my use of the word “depends.”) A long-term relationship is possible for the two of you if you both think it is. If he is willing to become engaged, let it be a somewhat longer engagement than you might ordinarily consider. As for having a family, you certainly have more than a year or two to belt out a kid, so don’t let that consideration cause you to speed things up. I would slow things down, but by all means, go forward. — Margo, hopefully
Say Something!
Dear Margo: I am getting married in September. We have been together for more than three years, and have worked on a lot of issues together. The one that kills me is that she is very bad at communicating. I think she really expects me to read her mind. During a heated discussion, “Elaine” will appear to shut down, claiming she was either thinking or did not know how to respond. It’s bad enough when I get blamed for not mind reading, but the silence during a “fight” is murder. What can I do to get her out of what seems to be her shell? — Wanting To Talk It Out in Alexandria
Dear Want: I have a lot of thoughts about this one. First, if you’re good at rationalizing, you could be grateful she’s not hollering. Although it would be difficult during a disagreement, it would be good to tell her that she needs to express her position; otherwise, nothing will get settled. You could also learn to read her mind. I am not being flip here. If you could actually try to intuit her position — or what you think it might be, given what you were arguing about — that would advance the game. In a quiet moment you could suggest that she work on being open with you, even when you differ. P.S.: Shutting down during arguments is sometimes the style of certain people. Often it is passive-aggressive, but I tend to believe it is just a personality thing in your case. I think you have a shot at improving the situation. — Margo, responsively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
