Dear Amy: My family is not sure what to say to people who routinely use the word “retard” or “retarded” to mean someone or something is stupid. The term is offensive and ignorant, especially to those who have family members, friends or other people they care about with Down syndrome.
My children frequently come across other children using this term and, worse, it’s often the parents who are teaching them this through their own misuse of the word. At times my children will tell their friends that we don’t say that in our home and that we prefer that they don’t either. But how do we handle it when we hear it come from the mouths of adults? We have a family member with Down syndrome who happens to be the greatest blessing and is by no means “stupid.” If people think in terms of replacing “retarded” with any other term such as those based on ethnicity, sex, body size, race, etc., they may view using the term differently. — Stumped for what to say in Illinois
Dear Stumped: I have noticed an uptick in the use of this word lately — usually jokingly — and I agree it is insensitive and offensive. I trace some of this back to a “Saturday Night Live” skit that seemed to put this word back in play after a period of dormancy.
You don’t have to have a family member with Down syndrome to ban the use of this offensive word in your home, and you shouldn’t have to explain the context when telling people that you find this word objectionable.
I like what your children say when other kids use this word, and think you could take a cue from them when dealing with adults. You can say, “I really object to the use of that word and I wish you wouldn’t say it in front of me.”
Dear Amy: “Tickled Out” asked you for advice on how to get her boyfriend to stop tickling her. Instead of telling her how to accomplish this task, you psychoanalyzed the boyfriend. At the end of your response, the woman will still be left wondering how to get her boyfriend to stop.
She should make an ultimatum: “George, if you tickle me one more time, it’s over,” followed by a hard stare. Or she could say, “If you tickle me one more time, I’m going to pour a bucket of cold water on you next time you’re asleep. And I ain’t kidding.” — R
Dear R: “Tickled Out” had repeatedly explained to her boyfriend how his aggressive tickling affected her. She had asked him to stop.
I would never suggest that someone pour a bucket of cold water over another person’s head, though I like your suggestion of an ultimatum.
As I said in my answer to “Tickled Out,” tickling, which can render some people defenseless, is what bullies do. Aggressive tickling against someone’s will is abusive, and as you imply, that ain’t no laughing matter.
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