Dear Amy: I am 50 years old and my husband is 43. While I studied abroad, my husband supported my needs and tuition.
During my absence, he had a mistress. His excuse was that I was not there to satisfy his physical and emotional needs.
When I finished my schooling, I came back, but his unfaithfulness didn’t end there. He continued to have a second affair and fathered a child from that relationship.
My husband refuses to leave me or file for a divorce, and I refuse to leave him. But I hurt every day knowing that my husband continues to cheat and lie to me.
I am financially indebted to my husband, but I don’t think that is an excuse for him to do this to me. I do not have the courage to file for divorce, considering the amount of money we will be wasting (we have properties, investments and cash). He feels the same way too.
Should I just close my eyes to his wrongdoings? He continues to provide for my needs and hasn’t stopped coming home. — Hanging in There
Dear Hanging: It’s time for you to figure out whether you have a marriage or some other sort of financial/social arrangement whereby you don’t actually support each other, but merely trade favors. This isn’t a relationship with integrity but one of convenience, and the only thing holding it together is money.
You should attempt to engage your husband in a joint effort to build an emotional and marital connection between the two of you (with the help of a counselor). You also need to support yourself financially. If your efforts to repair this relationship fail, you should do the research necessary to figure out how to separate your finances and prepare to terminate what sounds like a painful, joyless union.
Dear Amy: This morning my 19-year-old daughter told me she wants to pierce her nose.
She is a college student and lives at home.
I am against this and told her my reasons. I believe that as long as she is living at home, she should abide by my rules. Am I being unreasonable? — Wondering Mom
Dear Mom: You’ve thrown down the gauntlet, and part of your daughter’s maturing process is to figure out if this is a deal she can live with. You should think carefully, however, just how far your “house rules” extend.
It’s reasonable to set down rules about money, curfews, chores and use of the car. But at 19 years old, your daughter’s body should be her own dominion. She asked you for your opinion about a piercing, so after stating your views, you should leave it to her to make a choice.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to “Fed Up,” the 13-year-old girl who complained about an unfriendly go-cart rival. Tell her this: Focus, race and — with apologies to George Lucas — “Be one with the cart.” If she thinks about the social part of this rivalry, it is Game Over! She gives up her own power by filling her head with nonsense.
It is the race, first and always. Just avoid and ignore the other girl. Her behavior is already destructive by being a distraction. — An Experienced Coach
Dear Coach: I appreciate your advice. I, too, felt that instead of being annoyed by another girl’s antics on the track, this go-cart racer should grasp an opportunity to enjoy and benefit from competition.
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