Dear Margo: What ever happened to raising your children and letting them face the world when they are grown? My husband’s family thought I wasn’t good enough for him and refused to talk to him when we married. Making matters worse, I had to deal with a hateful ex-wife. After several years of bliss, we get into one terrible fight and he runs to mama. Neither of us wants a divorce, but he thinks it is for the best and implies it is all my fault for not being liked by these people! What he’s hearing is that Mommy won’t speak to him again if he comes back, and the ex-wife dangles the kids over his head, as well. Meanwhile, my life is a mess — my children love and hate him because his family won’t accept them, either. But … he still wants to be Daddy to them. How I can get over this mess and move on? I can’t take this pain much longer. — Half Nuts
Dear Half: Wow, lady, you are really up to your hips in alligators. This crowd sounds simply awful and your husband sounds like a wimp. The fact that he is so responsive to family (current and ex) doesn’t say much for him — especially since he states he doesn’t want a divorce. And what’s with a guy who tolerates parents ignoring his children because they don’t like his wife? Your best bet is to get him to a couples counselor or family therapist (maybe your pastor?) who could point out to him that you and the children should trump petty, spiteful relatives. It even says in the Bible that a man should cleave unto his wife. If your husband caves, he will be the big loser. Whichever way it goes, however, the mess will be behind you and you will move on. — Margo, astoundedly
Is His College Education Backed Up on a Disc Somewhere?
Dear Margo: My kid started college last year, but what he’s started in college is what worries me. I was hoping it would be studying and furthering his education, but unfortunately, that’s not the case. He seems to be having a hell of a time, but that makes me a little suspicious. College is expensive, and if he’s screwing around and wants to louse up his future, should I enable him to do so by continuing to pay for his education and the dorm he’s staying in, or should I have him come home so I can watch what he does? It’s not that I want to control his life, because I can’t, but I could at least see what he’s doing or not doing if he were living at home and driving back and forth to school every day. I know he’s a grown man at 19, and if he wants to mess up his future, that’s his decision. But if I could help him even a little bit, is that so wrong? No parent I know of wants to see a child fail. — Neurotic but Caring Mother in L.A.
Dear Neu: I don’t know that I would agree that a 19-year-old is a grown man. Maybe he is grown, but I do not think he is necessarily a mature adult. There seem to be a lot of “ifs” in your letter. Should you know for a fact that he is screwing around and ignoring his work (and getting so-so grades), then I would tell him he has one semester to shape up and show you that he is serious about college. I do know that living in a dorm is half the college experience, so I would make that the bargaining chip. I will tell you this: I viewed college as a social occasion, and despite everything, I left knowing more than when I went in. — Margo, nostalgically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
