Dear Margo: My wife and I have a loving marriage. We have been through more than our share of hard times. One problem that keeps coming up in our relationship is her 8-year-old son. He is Oedipal — extremely jealous of any attention his mother gets and inappropriate around her. He touches her breasts and her behind, and constantly tries to invade her space if she’s showering or changing clothes. He also walks nude into the room where she is and touches himself in front of her. I have been trying to tell her these are unnatural behaviors, but she says “Mike” is just more in touch than his contemporaries and doesn’t hide his curiosity. Who is right? — Freaked Out Stepfather
Dear Freak: What this kid is in touch with is emotional disturbance. To think that the youngster is “not hiding his curiosity” suggests to me that Jocasta, I mean the mother, has oatmeal cookies for brains. Nothing you describe is in the realm of normal child development. You somehow have to get your wife to a session with a child specialist who can convince her that the kid is off the rails — and it’s possible she is feeding his neurosis. Believe me, there is nothing customary about an 8-year-old boy who’s in the habit of touching his mother’s breasts and behind and taking every chance he gets to see her naked. Displaying himself and attempting what sounds like masturbation is a red flag for psychiatric intervention. That your wife thinks all this is normal means there are two people in your house who need help. — Margo, assuredly
Things one need not put up with
Dear Margo: I have been married to my husband for three years. We have two baby girls, as well as my daughter from a previous marriage whom he loves as his own. We have a pretty happy marriage, but there is one issue that never seems to be resolved. My husband is still friends with his ex-fiancee. It’s not like they are just on good terms; they talk to each other two to three times a week. She is married with her own children, so I’m not sure why it bothers me, but it does. A big part of it is that my husband rarely talks to her in front of me. I have met her a few times, but then I feel like the third wheel. When he does talk to her in front of me, he is a completely different person — happy, fun, etc. He had pictures of her in our closet up until recently. I told him I am not comfortable with their level of closeness. To answer an obvious question, yes, I did know that he was friends with her before we were married, but I was told that he talked to her “once in a while.” It wasn’t until after we were married that I found out how close they really are.
Is a friendship like this appropriate for a married man? Am I being irrational? How can I bring this up to him again without it coming down to an ultimatum? I used to think he would choose me over her, but now I’m not so sure. — Sally
Dear Sal: What’s wrong with an ultimatum? Your husband, whether he knows it or not, is clobbering you over the head with his feelings for this woman and, most likely, his regret that he didn’t marry her. If my husband had pictures of an ex in his closet, I would invite him to take the pictures — and the clothes — elsewhere. Nobody’s ex-fiancee (as opposed to an ex-wife) should be an issue in a marriage. Good luck with getting it your way. — Margo, determinedly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
