Dear Amy: I am 17 years old and in high school. My parents have been divorced since I was 4, and they’ve always had a tumultuous relationship.
I’ve always sided with my mom, but starting about a year ago, my father has been making strides in making us closer and more like father and daughter.
My mom isn’t at all happy about this, and we fight about it all the time. My mother is extremely upset because my dad doesn’t tell people that she is my mother (because he’s been married twice, he leads people to think that I am my half-brothers’ full sister). I know this hurts her.
I told my dad that to save my relationship with my mother I couldn’t be a part of his deceit.
When I reported this to my mom, she told me that she was appreciative, but that she was sick of my relationship with my dad getting in the way of my relationship with her and my stepfather.
My mother has given me an ultimatum — to burn the bridge with my dad or move out when I turn 18.
I’ve talked to my stepfather, and he believes that she doesn’t mean it, but this isn’t the first time she has said something like this to me.
I’m scared and distraught, and I don’t know what to do. — Distraught Daughter
Dear Daughter: Your parents seem selfish and self-centered. They expect you to be responsible for their relationship. They don’t seem to care what position this puts you in, but you’re going to have to refuse to be a go-between.
This means that you don’t discuss one parent with the other. Unless an issue is dangerous or frightening, you should remove yourself from their relationship. Putting up these boundaries might be challenging at first, but you need to tell your mother a version of the following: “Mom, telling you anything about Dad just seems to cause problems, so if you have a concern, you should bring it to him.” Your school counselor might be able to refer your family to a mediator. Professional mediation should teach your parents how to be more respectful.
Dear Amy: I often give gift cards as presents to newlyweds or for birthdays. Once, when I sent one of these cards, I waited for a thank-you note, which never came. I was then put in the awkward position of asking the couple if they received their gift card. It turns out this couple had not received their card, so I went online to the store, got the card reissued.
About two months ago, I slipped a gift card (in its tiny envelope) down the mail chute of my newlywed neighbors. I haven’t been thanked, so now I wonder if the tiny envelope got lost.
What is the etiquette of asking someone if they received a gift card? — Wondering in Chicago
Dear Wondering: Approach your neighbors and say, “This is a little awkward, but I’m wondering if you received the gift card I slipped into your mail slot? I never heard from you, so I just want to make sure you received it.”
Dear Amy: Despite letters in your column to the contrary, some men get just as uncomfortable around breast-feeding mothers as women seem to.
In 1990, I was on a cross-country flight with my infant daughter and had to breast-feed her.
I modestly and completely covered myself and all but my baby’s feet with a lightweight blanket.
But her quiet little baby-smacking feeding sounds made the man sitting next to us so uncomfortable that he requested to be moved to another seat. — Modest Mom
Dear Modest: Presumably, you don’t know why your neighbor changed his seat — he may have been trying to give you more privacy or simply more room.
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