Dear Amy: It has recently come to our attention that several years ago my wife’s brother was arrested and convicted for soliciting a minor online. He thought he was meeting a 13-year-old boy, but it was a police officer. He got probation.
My in-laws kept this a secret. We only learned about it when a friend told my wife that her own brother was on the list of registered sex offenders! I have four sons who were teens during that time. My in-laws refuse to discuss this, saying only that they didn’t feel he was a danger to our children.
My brother-in-law insists he is not a pedophile or gay. I think that my brother-in-law is a homosexual, which would be fine if he’d admit it. Do straight men solicit men or boys online? He is either in denial or a liar, but either way I want nothing to do with him. My wife feels so betrayed that she is numb. — Worried
Dear Worried: One look at “To Catch a Predator” would tell you that straight and gay people are both capable of behaving in ways that are surprising or outside their norm.
Your family shouldn’t have to learn that your brother-in-law is a registered sex offender by checking the online registry, and I agree with you that your in-laws betrayed your family by keeping this a secret. You should inform your sons about this and make sure they know they should tell you if they had any unusual or uncomfortable contact with their uncle.
Your brother-in-law committed a crime and is paying the price. He and his parents lied to you, even though doing so might have placed your children at risk. You have every right to be furious. But then you need to simmer down, realize that this person is a human being and a family member, and do what you can to reconcile your feelings.
Once you are secure about your family’s safety, you should work on forgiveness.
Dear Amy: I read with great sadness the story from the “Worried Teen,” who has a dad who “blows up” periodically. I was an explosive father when my kids were young. They are now grown and have children.
My temper was never a predictable thing. It was like my brain had a short circuit.
After I blew up at my family I would feel bad. I wanted to stop acting that way. One day we were all sitting in the living room and I suggested that the next time I “shorted out” that someone try to get my attention so I might become more aware of what I was doing. (That was like asking someone to step in front of a raging bull.) At that point my daughter spoke up and said, “Dad, when you get mad, I get so scared that I go into my bedroom and hide in the closet or under the bed.” Gong! It was like somebody hit me along the side of the head with a board. I had no idea that I had scared her so much. At that point, I resolved to change. I didn’t want my son or daughter to be afraid of me.
That was the beginning of my real effort to change my behavior. I got counseling. I read some self-help books. Things improved over time. I certainly hope that this young person is successful in helping her dad understand what he is doing. — Grandpa Dave
Dear Dave: Thank you so much for generously sharing your story.
Your ability to change your behavior reminds all of us that it is possible to change.
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