Dear Margo: My friend has been writing, e-mailing and web-camming a man located in China who is from Africa. He has sent her a plane ticket to China for a two-week visit. I think she is crazy for thinking about going on a first date in China. She says she can run to a military base if necessary, since she is a retired military veteran. Furthermore, she is in an electric wheelchair, has diabetes and RSD. This man from Ghana is 40 and she is 55. What is the motive here? He apparently is not after money: He is educated, grew up in Nigeria and is well traveled. She speaks many languages, but Chinese isn’t one of them. My friend is lonely since her husband died three years ago and likes this man from what she knows of him — but what can you really know over the Internet? I am very concerned about her going on this trip. What should I do? — Worrywart Friend
Dear Wor: Here’s the thing. I agree that it’s risky, but I doubt you can change her mind. Where I disagree with you is that you don’t think this man could be interested in money. Conmen are often educated, my dear, and Nigeria, of course, is the home of some major financial chicanery … which is certainly not to tar all Nigerians with that brush. One certainly questions why a 40-year-old man (if he is 40) camped out in China would be pursuing a woman who has 15 years on him, plus poor health and a wheelchair. About all you can do is voice your concerns (which I suspect you’ve done) and recommend that she return the plane ticket with an invitation for him to come here. That way, she would not be untethered from everything that gives her security. It would also be credible if she were to tell her pen pal that her handicap makes international travel quite a strain. — Margo, uneasily
Who Picks the Career?
Dear Margo: I have only finished my freshman year of high school, but talk of SATs and college has already begun in my household. My mother told me years ago that she and my dad would be willing to take care of the majority of my tuition, yet she has recently implied that I would need to choose a major she “approves” of (i.e., business, medicine, law). What she doesn’t know is that I would love to study photography at a school on the other side of the country. I have seen firsthand (from my parents themselves, actually) how miserable life can be when stuck at a job that leaves you unsatisfied, and I know I cannot live like that.
They have never been accepting of my hobbies as anything serious, so do I tell her and risk being all but disowned one day, wait a few years to bring it up again, or just try to ignore her and deal with tuition myself when the time comes? — Feeling Bummed
Dear Feel: Happily, you have three more years of high school in which to hash this out.
Since your mother has jumped in prematurely, in my opinion, I suggest you jump in with her and try to change the game. The first approach might be to discuss people who are unhappy with their jobs (ahem), and then tell her of your dream to study photography. Point out that this is not a field akin to being a bonbon dipper, and that one can make a nice living with photography. If she is immovable, I would start college on your parents’ dime and major in something “acceptable” while taking electives in subjects that interest you. And by all means try for a scholarship. Kids do work their way through college, but it’s tough. I have a hunch that in three years’ time you all will have come to an acceptable agreement. Good luck. — Margo, vocationally
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
