Q: Our son, 17, has a weekly paper route. He is supposed to deliver on a particular day but sometimes takes until the weekend. His boss doesn’t know this, because the subscribers, few of whom pay for this neighborhood paper, don’t complain. We find our son’s behavior inexcusable and have talked to him about advertisers who are hurt when he is late, but a parent’s words don’t carry the weight of an employer’s. Is it ethical to report this to his boss? — Name Withheld, Seattle
A: “Inexcusable” is a florid designation. If that is how you calibrate your moral judgments, what word will you use if your son plants explosives on the moon and threatens to blow it to bits unless Earth delivers a zillion-dollar ransom?
You should not phone his boss. As parents of an older teenager, your primary obligation is to teach him proper conduct, not to police the prompt delivery of something Pennysaver-ish. Your son’s performance is lackluster, but any good that comes from your tattling will be outweighed by his resulting resentment. And it is edifying to grant a 17-year-old the autonomy to fail and face the consequences (if his boss becomes more alert).
Q: At Vassar College, where I work, we lent six wheelchairs to families attending commencement, but only five were returned. During the ceremony, a student’s grandmother moved from a wheelchair to a folding chair. When she went back for the wheelchair, it was gone. Borrowers signed them out and agreed to be liable for loss. However, there was no provision to sign them back in, so perhaps another family used and returned it. A chair is missing, but we can’t be sure which one. The family offered the replacement cost, $500. Should we accept? — Megan Habermann, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.
A: You could accept the money. Those folks agreed to return the chair or cover its cost. Although you can’t be certain that the grandmother’s is the missing wheelchair, the odds favor that conclusion. Her move to a folding chair provided an opportunity for theft, and her chair did vanish. Had a different wheelchair been snatched, wouldn’t that victim have spoken up?
That said, you don’t have to accept the money. Assuming that the grandmother did not behave negligently, she should not be billed. Instead, the school should have insurance to cover such things, a modest additional cost for a joyous day’s events.
Update: Vassar declined the money.
Disclosure: I was the commencement speaker at Vassar during the (probable) theft. I swear I didn’t do it. And I’ve got thousands of witnesses. If the chair was stolen, not just misplaced, my speech was sadly unpersuasive.
Write Randy Cohen at Universal Press Syndicate, 4520 Main St., Kansas City, MO 64111, or ethicist@nytimes.com.
