Lately I’ve encountered several guides to Denver’s urban attractions for Democratic National Convention delegates now arriving. Some delegates, though, might be tempted to sneak out to the hinterlands.
Most of them, I suspect, will head for civilized locales like Aspen and Boulder, but for the brave Democrats, here’s some travel advice from the boondocks:
1. Even rural truck stops offer lattes these days, The New York Times is available in many backwaters, and so are wireless Internet connections. There are, however, still places where cell phones don’t work. Many of us out here consider these “sacred zones,” and ask you to respect them, rather than complain.
2. Should you venture east to the high plains, admire the wind turbines and ethanol refineries. Do not repeat the old joke that the Republican River got its name because it is shallow and crooked. Also, do not attempt to make a political statement by urinating into that stream, unless you say something like, “Nebraska needs the water.” Then again, it’s probably best not to talk about water at all in Colorado. Just ask John McCain.
3. One of our most scenic places is Hinsdale County, 250 miles southwest of Denver. Its seat, Lake City, was the site of the 1883 murder trial of “Colorado Cannibal” Alfred Packer.
Colorado folklore has it that after Packer was convicted, Judge Melville B. Gerry, a Democrat, pronounced his sentence this way: “You voracious man-eating son of a bitch, there was seven Democrats in Hinsdale County and you ate five of them. God damn you! I sentence you to be hanged by the neck until you are dead, Dead, DEAD, as a warning against reducing the Democratic population of Hinsdale County. Packer, you Republican cannibal, I would sentence you to Hell but the statutes forbid it.”
This was actually contrived by a pioneer journalist who covered the trial from a saloon near the courthouse. During the New Deal, this legend inspired some Colorado Republicans to form Alfred Packer Clubs with each member pledging to dispatch at least five Democrats.
The truth is that partisan politics had no place in Judge Gerry’s sentencing statement; instead he berated Packer for profaning “the banks of a stream as pure and beautiful as ever traced the finger of God upon the bosom of the earth.”
4. No trip to Colorado is complete without a trip up a 14er. There are roads up two, Mount Evans and Pikes Peak, but John Evans was a Republican and Pike was a Federalist. Our tallest, 14,433-foot Elbert, is named after a Republican.
Fortunately, 14,140-foot Mount Democrat is a fairly easy climb (it must be, because I’ve done it). Unfortunately, there are some trespass issues on the easy route, and besides, it comes up from Park County, a Republican stronghold.
The other side is hard climbing in steep scree, but it’s in Lake County, the only county carried by the Democratic candidate in 2004 and 2006 in the seriously Republican 5th Congressional District. Leadville, the county seat, boasts a long history of labor disputes that pitted hard-working miners against evil Eastern corporations. At 10,200 feet, it’s America’s loftiest city, so you still brag on altitude even if you don’t climb Mount Democrat.
Only 103 miles away, Leadville is a worthy destination for touring Democrats. Just remember that after about three beers at that altitude, you’re wasted — and we need you to get back to Denver in condition to get Obama’s campaign off to a roaring start.
Ed Quillen (ed@cozine.com) is a freelance writer, history buff, publisher of Colorado Central Magazine in Salida and frequent contributor to The Post.
