Dear Margo: I think my husband of 20 years had an affair. He claims he and this woman (someone I know) were “just friends,” and that she was “someone to talk to” while he and I were having difficulties. Well, talk they did. He called her four and five times a day, and God knows how many times a day she called him. (Her marriage wasn’t doing well, either.) He took her out on the town until 3 a.m. and lied to me about where he was and who he was with. We separated twice, with him coming home both times. The last time I told him that if things were going to work out, this woman and her “friendship” had to go. She is younger, thinner and self-employed, while I’m in my mid-40s, 20 pounds overweight and a stay-at-home mom. He readily agreed. Since then I have reason to believe (from text messages, one offering phone sex) that they are still in contact. When I try to discuss this with him, he immediately gets angry and accuses me of being delusional and paranoid, saying he has never given me a reason to not trust him. (Yeah, right.) It’s not that I don’t see that he’s making an effort in our marriage, because he is. But I did discover the phone sex text message, and another to go out for drinks, six months after he said she was out of his life. Am I being paranoid and delusional? I know you’ll suggest counseling, and I have already asked my doctor for a referral, although that was more to deal with depression and 20 years of emotional and verbal abuse from my husband. — Paranoid and Delusional in Canada
Dear Par: You certainly saved the best for last. On top of the fact that your husband has been lying to you about the woman with whom he is “just friends,” he has been abusive for the whole of your marriage — two decades. While he may be making an effort at soothing the situation, he is also trying to manipulate you. You are neither delusional nor paranoid, but he is a skunk. It’s never too late for a new beginning. I suspect that along with alimony, you will get some peace of mind and self-respect. — Margo, unambiguously
A Case of Mistaken Identity — One’s Own
Dear Margo: I have been married to a wonderful man for a short two years. We are both in our early 40s. My problem is that I’ve always felt I was gay, and now I feel that I am lying to this good man — and myself. It eats away at me every day. My daughter likes him, but has also told me she thinks I’m gay. I am lost and scared to tell him. What should I do? — Trapped
Dear Trap: Fess up, hon. You need to discuss this subject with your husband for a lot of reasons — mental health and honesty being in the top tier. Anything that eats away at you every day has to be dealt with, lest every day be miserable. Try to get over being afraid to tell him because … well, the truth shall set you free. The truth may literally set you free in this case, since your husband might very possibly wish to undo the marriage. Then again, he may not. The important thing now is to do away with the secrecy and decide, together, how you want to proceed. In this situation, I definitely believe confession will be good for the soul. — Margo, openly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
