Dear Amy: I recently started seeing a guy who is a part-time musician. We really connected. I’m totally swooning over him, and I’m not someone who regularly swoons.
The problem is that I’m not crazy about his music. It’s not bad; it’s just not very original.
I was a music major in college, and I’ve done freelance music reviews, so I’ve got a sort of built-in music snobbery that has very little to do with taste and more to do with being able to analyze song structure, harmonic structure and melody more than most people who haven’t studied music.
On the whole, his songs are pleasant, but it’s hard to silence that music-critic voice in my head that says: “OK, you’ve played those two chords enough now. How about trying something different?”
Of course I haven’t given him anything but positive feedback, and everything else is going so well.
Should I just silence my inner critic and not worry about it, or is this a red flag that it’s a bad match? — Hearing Mediocre Music
Dear Mediocre: One joy of being in a relationship is that you can play your two chords over and over, and the person you’re with won’t analyze your song structure too harshly.
I want you to have a conference with your inner music critic — and tell her to put a sock in it.
Think of it this way — how would you like it if your squeeze showed up at your workplace and offered a critique of your methodology and practice? If your guy solicits your opinion of his music, then offer it, but start by saying something positive.
Dear Amy: I have to disagree with your recent columns on the use of the words “retard” and “retarded.” The English language belongs to all of us who speak it, and we should be very careful about trying to tell other speakers how to use their words.
Language is dynamic and is continually changing and evolving. You know, there was once a system of classifying people according to their level of intelligence; people were labeled in decreasing order of IQ, as morons, imbeciles and idiots. Haven’t you ever made an egregious mistake and blurted out, “I’m an idiot!”? And were you then chastised for being cruel and offensive? Of course not! These words have lost their original sting, and no one objects to anyone’s applying them to him or herself.
The same now applies to “retard.” Nobody uses this word as it once was used; we now have kinder, more modern terms.
Yes, it would certainly be hurtful if someone called a child with a disability a “retard.” But people have no right to take offense when I jokingly apply the word to myself. — Teddy
Dear Teddy: You are right that language is always evolving, but just because you declare something to be inoffensive doesn’t mean that it is inoffensive. You don’t really get to decide what offends someone else.
And yes, you have every right to refer to yourself in any way you choose.
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